Saturday, July 08, 2006

Maul Tease Falcon

Welcome to the shadowy world of droid chip decryption,

Yes, I am in a mysterious mood today, as a result of decrypting not one but two rather interesting chips. Imagine my excitement when I noticed two chips in the bag that were stamped with the Jedi Temple code! Upon closer inspection, it transpired that these chips were once active within two separate droids, JN-66 and SP-4, both used as analysis droids by the Jedi themselves!

As I began the download, the ensuing data stream came as something of a shock. It appeared that one of the units, JN-66, considered itself something of an author in its spare time, and had reconfigured its data logs using an obscure form of coding I had never encountered before. With the help of a protocol droid, I discovered that the log had been recorded using an obsolete speech pattern from one of the outer rim galaxies, in fact we narrowed it down to the Chan D'ler system. Using this new found knowledge, I have reconfigured the data stream, and present it to you here in all its glory.
For your clarification, JN-66 refers to itself as 'Steve' and to SP-4 as 'Sam'.

02.002 - Analysis Droids JN-66 and SP-4

It was a dry morning, the kind of morning that could drive a droid to lube. Sam floated in, late as usual, and with the kind of tarnishing that suggested he hadn't got an early night. He lit up a cathode and planted his repulsors on the desk.
"Whaddya got?"
That's why I liked Sam, short and to the point.
"Open your receptors," I said, "what's different about your desk?"
He glanced wearily at the mess he called home, and noticed the datapad.
"An appointment?" he drawled.
"Yeah, first one this week. At this rate we're gonna have to move our office to the back of the Outlander."
He smiled at the thought."That would save time."
I got serious. He knew I was serious when I tilted my head unit 32 degrees to the left.
"Listen Sam," I growled, "It's Master Kenobi, he's got something he wants to show us."
"His credits are as good as anyone's, Steve."
Sam wasn't seeing the big picture, so I floated in close. I could smell 2 in 1 on his vocal interface, so I kept the words simple.
"He wants to talk to us about a certain saberdart."
That got his attention."A Kaminoan saberdart?"
"The very same."
He went a lighter shade of titanium."So, what do we do Steve?"
I paused for a moment, savoring the feeling of superiority. Then I put him out of his misery.
"Well," I began, " we can't very well have a Jedi Knight knowing about your moonlighting as an arms dealer."
"Oh man, I'm finished.." Sam stuttered.
"But I ain't finished. He doesn't have to know about you supplying the bounty hunters, providing you make it worth my while."
"Anything Steve, anything."
"Ok, I've got it all under control. Just feign stupidity for a couple of clicks."
"I can do that Steve."
Sure he could. He'd had plenty of practice.
The Jedi Knight came in and we acted dumb. He wasn't too happy, but I sent him on his way. Then I called in a favor.
A couple of clicks later, she wheeled in through my door.
WA-7 had a chassis that made a grown droid weep and photoreceptors you could take a bath in. I told her to tell Dex what the dart was, and that we were all square after last week's incident.
She seemed happy to comply, then she paused on the way out. She turned to me and spoke in a voice like bubbling joint grease.
"You know I'll help whenever I can honey, you just gotta call. You know how to make a high pitched audio squeal Steve? You just put your internal communication modulators together and blow."
With that she rolled out of the room, and out of my life.
Oh yeah, I knew how to make a high pitched audio squeal alright...

And there you have it.Make of it what you will, quite frankly I prefer the more easily understandable entries, but variety is the nuna spice of life, or so I have been told.

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