Saturday, July 08, 2006

A fiesty little one

Salutations, followers of the way of the droid,

I have stumbled across a databank of such relevance, that it could shake the very foundations of the galaxy to its core.
The more I compute the possibilites, the more I am inclined to believe that I was meant to find these chips, for manipulation comes so easily to this seemingly innocent little droid. I refer, of course, to the hero of the rebellion, R2 D2.
The translations were difficult, first downloading the unique language of an astromech droid, then converting to a binary stream and then into Basic. Some details may have been lost along the way, but I think you will get the picture.
I'll let his own memory banks tell the story.

01.004 - Artoo Detoo

At first I didn't understand why my old master, Darth Plageus, installed the midichlorin slot in my central core, then all became apparant as I wakened my latent powers. He spoke often of his apprentice, Darth Sidious, and claimed he knew that he would be betrayed by his own pupil, so he set about shaping my destiny so that I might be the instrument of his destructive revenge.
He secreted me on Naboo shortly before his death and, via several 'unfortunate' accidents, I managed to land a detail on the Queen's ship. This was my first opportunity to flex my powers, ensuring that the laser blasts from the Trade Federation battleship strayed away from me and blew away my workmates instead.

It was shortly after this that I was meet the protocol droid, C-3PO, who would prove to be most useful as a diversion for the next 35 years.
It was also around this time that I met 'the chosen one', an idiot child who would frequently get into scrapes and have to be rescued, like that time I singlehandedly flew the starfighter straight into the Trade Federation control ship and took it out. That kid took all the credit, but he got what was coming to him.

As the boy grew up I tried to keep a low profile, opening doors, shutting down machinery, the usual stuff. The droid factory on Geonosis was pretty interesting and a good test of my force powers. Let me tell you, holding back fifty tons of liquid plasti-steel while releasing the clamps on Padme's bucket wasn't easy. Especially as I had to twiddle with the mechanism override to make it look like I was doing something.

Later, I was able to flex my powers once more, saving Sidious onboard the 'Hand' and landing the ship on Coruscant. Later, I had to finish what Vader (as the kid was now known) had started, applying a little force choke to get rid of his wife so that Sidious would be able to control him more easily (all part of Plageus' plan, I assure you). I also knew I had to keep those twins alive, as they would be useful in the future, so that was my ongoing mission.

I worked for a while with the female twin, but she was useless, no aspirations above princess, so I decided I needed to get to the boy. When Tantive IV approached the Tatooine system, I sent the Empire a coded message and sure enough, they attacked. It was while the princess was trying to extract one of her files that I hit upon a great idea. I fabricated a hologram using her image, and thankfully, once I got onto the desert planet, the fake message got things moving.

Of course, I had to find the boy first. I hate travelling on sand, so I allowed Jawas to capture me and they took me all the way to his home. Unfortunately they also landed me with the idiot protocol droid again, but beggars can't be choosers.

I had to fry the motivator on another unit before the boy took me, but then the fun began. The old coot (who was obviously senile as he didn't remember me) tried to teach him the ways of the Force, and I'll concede, the boy had a little talent, but if it wasn't for me redirecting his proton torpedoes (which were WAY overshooting the mark), then we wouldn't be here today.

When the boy took me to Dagobah I thought the game might be up, luckily Yoda was as frazzled as the old coot. He didn't even notice when I made several rocks and myself float in the air, and he was still thinking about what to do when I pulled the X-wing out of the swamp - he took the credit for that one though.

I'm telling you, anyone who watches the historical vids of our exploits will clearly see who's in control - but none of them saw it - the shroud of the Dark Side clouds everything, you bet!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after protecting the boy for a few more years (including throwing Fett into the Sarlacc pit and levitating 3PO for the natives), I finally fulfilled my destiny as the catalyst in Sidious' destruction through Vader, unleashed by Skywalker. Complicated I know, but Plageus loved these weaving puzzles.

So now here I stand, the last remanant of the Sith, with everyone watching the fireworks. What to do, what to do..........

Disturbing data, I think you'll agree! Of course, this could have all been planted as some kind of bluff, or double bluff, or, oh dear, logic circuits overheating.

I'll leave it to your own interpretation.

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