FX-9 here, with the last datastream from the second batch of chips that I have decrypted,
You heard correctly. The remaining chips in the ugnaught's bag, are enscribed with designation codes from 20BBY thru 5ABY, and their visual records can be viewed on the holo-disks labelled EPIII-EPIV.
Before I get to them, however, I have one last chip here that I have decrypted and downloaded for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.
02.009 - FA-4 - Solar Sailor Pilot Droid
Pilot Log 43/2.7 - Up until this moment, being in the service of the organic known as Count Dooku has been rather pleasant, if uneventful. His manner with me has been curt, yet polite, and he has never issued an unreasonable demand. Until now.
I knew something was amiss as soon as I saw the Count enter the hanger. From my position in the cockpit, I observed him dismounting his speeder bike with a flourish that belied his physical appearance, and what followed was quite extraordinary.
No sooner had he relayed his orders to me, and I had begun warming up the engines, than he was brutally attacked by two swarthy looking characters with weapons known as lightsabers. Imagine my surprise when Master Dooku produced one of his own, and valiantly defended himself. Were I not locked into my programming cycle, I would have attempted to help him, but I could only watch helplessly as the battle ensued.
Pilot Log 43/2.8 - The Count fought with skill and honor, and appeared to have bettered his attackers, when he was confronted by an alien organic, the species of which I have no record of in my databanks. This small creature also proceeded to attack the Count, and he defended himself with bravery and cunning as I signalled that the ship was ready.
The small alien jumped around like a worttling in spring, and even left a footprint on my viewport. I shall have to clean it when we reach Coruscant. I hear they have excellent window maintenance droids there.
Pilot Log 43/2.9 - Count Dooku managed to extradite himself from the cowardly attack of the organics in the hanger, and has settled into his chamber. If I never fly back to this planet again, it will be too soon. Someone even shot at us as we flew out of the hanger! Incredible!
Admittedly, I was a little apprehensive about leaving the planet, as I normally have much more time to calculate the optimum window for leaving the atmosphere. The asteroid belt that circles this planet is deadly, especially for a ship such as this. One small rock though the mainsail, and our trip could be cut short very quickly. My thoughts turned to my previous owner, Master Sark, who was even more careless with his own Solar Sailor. But that is another story.
Pilot Log 43/3.0 - It would appear that my years of flying have amounted to something, as I successfully navigated a course away from the Geonosis system, and managed to rendevouz with a particularly strong solar flare. This one will carry us 75% of the way to Coruscant. I am looking forward to reaching the capital planet. From the conversations I have overheard between Count Dooku and his superior, Master Sidious, it would appear that exciting times are ahead.
As we drifted though the Muunilinst sector, I observed gamma flares radiating from the outer tips of the Rekab Nebula, dancing with sparkling star dust rings. Out here I am in a truly wonderous place.
I am so lucky that my primary function allows me to navigate through this peaceful and wonderous galaxy. May its tranquility last forever.
There you have it. FA-4's tranquility was soon to be shattered - and much of this should be recorded on the next batch of chips which, if my suspicians are correct, should shed some more light on the period we come to know as The Clone Wars.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The Thin, Red, Dusty Line
Welcome, welcome, one and all, park your servos and have a ball.
Yes indeed, I am in a light-hearted mood today, inspired by the ridiculous datastream that I recently decrypted from another battle droid chip.
I chose this one, because it contained some information pertinent to the origin of the Clone Wars, and thus belonged to the group depicted on the second holo-vid records of the six part saga.
This particular battle droid, AAM-7, appears to have been the coordinator of one of the ground assaults on Geonosis, and as such, kept detailed records of all communications between its troops and itself.
Here, for your delectation, is one of the communications streams.
02.008 - Comm. Record of AAM-7, including Dwarf Spider Droid (DS-9), Hailfire Droid (Wheelie10) and Homing Spider Droid (HS-42).
GEO-1-7.3
AMM-7: Report status.
DS-9: Advancing.
Wheelie10: Advancing.
HS-42: Advancing.
AMM-7: Focus attack on quadrant O-52, take out those soldiers.
DS-9: Understood.
Wheelie10: Understood.
HS-42: Got it.
AMM-7: DS-9, engage ground troops at coordinates 34/21.
DS-9: Received.
Wheelie10: Watch your step, shorty.
DS-9: What did you call me?
AMM-7: Cut the chatter back there.
DS-9: Watch it, wheels.
AMM-7: HS-42, why are you retreating?
HS-42: I'm a homing droid, I'm going home.
AMM-7: Get back in there! Talk about rushed off the assembly line...
Wheelie10: Hey boss, I got an AT-PT in my sights.
AMM-7: Well, what are you waiting for? Get in there and give him all you've got!
Wheelie10: Roger that.
HS-42: Returning to battle now, sir.
AMM-7: Thank the maker. Wheelie10, report.
Wheelie10: Direct hit! Turning around now, sir.
AMM-7: Negative. Stay in there and take out their command post.
Wheelie10: With what, sir?
AMM-7: Your rockets.
Wheelie10: Used them all up, sir.
AMM-7: How could you...?
Wheelie10: I gave them everything I had, sir. I could try rolling over them.
DS-9: Yeah, that'll do it.
AMM-7: Just get back here for reloading.
HS-42: I'm having trouble here sir.
AMM-7: What now?
HS-42: Well, two things actually. First, this gun I have. It just fires one long beam. By the time I've targeted the enemy and fired, they have moved, and I blow up some more rocks. Then, these little white guys keep running between my legs and shooting upwards. I can't bring my laser under to bear on them, sir. In fact, they're doing it n....
AMM-7: HS-42, come in! HS-42, report.
DS-9: He's gone sir. Um, sir?
AMM-7: What is it DS-9?
DS-9: I'm having trouble negotiating the battlefield debris sir. My left forward leg is snared up in a speeder bike.
AMM-7: Well, blast it off.
DS-9: Same problem as HS-42, sir. Gun won't reach down that far. Uh oh, incomi....
AMM-7: DS-9, report.
Wheelie10: Shorty's bit it, sir. I'm on my way back now. Bit tricky navigating this wreckage though.
AMM-7: Just hurry back Wheelie10, I need more units on the field.
Wheelie10: Why are you not on the field, sir?
AMM-7: Just get back here!
Wheelie10: On my wa.....
AMM-7: Wheelie10? Wheelie10?
AMM-7: Control? Can I have some more droids please?
And there you have it.Back to the old drawing board for the C.I.S. I expect.
More to come!
Yes indeed, I am in a light-hearted mood today, inspired by the ridiculous datastream that I recently decrypted from another battle droid chip.
I chose this one, because it contained some information pertinent to the origin of the Clone Wars, and thus belonged to the group depicted on the second holo-vid records of the six part saga.
This particular battle droid, AAM-7, appears to have been the coordinator of one of the ground assaults on Geonosis, and as such, kept detailed records of all communications between its troops and itself.
Here, for your delectation, is one of the communications streams.
02.008 - Comm. Record of AAM-7, including Dwarf Spider Droid (DS-9), Hailfire Droid (Wheelie10) and Homing Spider Droid (HS-42).
GEO-1-7.3
AMM-7: Report status.
DS-9: Advancing.
Wheelie10: Advancing.
HS-42: Advancing.
AMM-7: Focus attack on quadrant O-52, take out those soldiers.
DS-9: Understood.
Wheelie10: Understood.
HS-42: Got it.
AMM-7: DS-9, engage ground troops at coordinates 34/21.
DS-9: Received.
Wheelie10: Watch your step, shorty.
DS-9: What did you call me?
AMM-7: Cut the chatter back there.
DS-9: Watch it, wheels.
AMM-7: HS-42, why are you retreating?
HS-42: I'm a homing droid, I'm going home.
AMM-7: Get back in there! Talk about rushed off the assembly line...
Wheelie10: Hey boss, I got an AT-PT in my sights.
AMM-7: Well, what are you waiting for? Get in there and give him all you've got!
Wheelie10: Roger that.
HS-42: Returning to battle now, sir.
AMM-7: Thank the maker. Wheelie10, report.
Wheelie10: Direct hit! Turning around now, sir.
AMM-7: Negative. Stay in there and take out their command post.
Wheelie10: With what, sir?
AMM-7: Your rockets.
Wheelie10: Used them all up, sir.
AMM-7: How could you...?
Wheelie10: I gave them everything I had, sir. I could try rolling over them.
DS-9: Yeah, that'll do it.
AMM-7: Just get back here for reloading.
HS-42: I'm having trouble here sir.
AMM-7: What now?
HS-42: Well, two things actually. First, this gun I have. It just fires one long beam. By the time I've targeted the enemy and fired, they have moved, and I blow up some more rocks. Then, these little white guys keep running between my legs and shooting upwards. I can't bring my laser under to bear on them, sir. In fact, they're doing it n....
AMM-7: HS-42, come in! HS-42, report.
DS-9: He's gone sir. Um, sir?
AMM-7: What is it DS-9?
DS-9: I'm having trouble negotiating the battlefield debris sir. My left forward leg is snared up in a speeder bike.
AMM-7: Well, blast it off.
DS-9: Same problem as HS-42, sir. Gun won't reach down that far. Uh oh, incomi....
AMM-7: DS-9, report.
Wheelie10: Shorty's bit it, sir. I'm on my way back now. Bit tricky navigating this wreckage though.
AMM-7: Just hurry back Wheelie10, I need more units on the field.
Wheelie10: Why are you not on the field, sir?
AMM-7: Just get back here!
Wheelie10: On my wa.....
AMM-7: Wheelie10? Wheelie10?
AMM-7: Control? Can I have some more droids please?
And there you have it.Back to the old drawing board for the C.I.S. I expect.
More to come!
Superma..um..Battledroid Returns.
Welcome back, purveyors of artificial anguish and metallic monologues,
You'll be pleased to hear that today's data stream is much more straight forward and will not require as much decryption as the previous download.
That said, I found this droid's datafile recording over-simplistic, and extremely repetative, and frequently found myself compensating for its monosyllabic mumblings by dipping into my galactic thesaurus in order to reach the true meanings behind the sentences.
Whether I was successful or not is a moot point, however, I think you'll find the following data stream fascinating, and quite an unexpected development.
02.007 - D-378229 - Super Battle Droid
76-3.2: ACTIVATED. Orders coming through. Good. I want orders. Orders good. Orders here. Orders say kill. Kill good. Orders good.Who kill?
78-4.0: Told to stay on planet. Planet dusty. Dust not good. Going to killing arena. Killing good. Orders here. Kill hairless humanoid organic. Hairless humanoid organic will die.
79-2.2: Hairless humanoid organic very fast. Fast not good. Orders here. Kill all humanoid organics with light sticks. Kill good.
80-3.1: Fighting good. Battle Droids get in way. Battle Droids stupid. Humanoid organics with sticks have gunships. Gunships not fair. Reassigned to battlefield. Battlefield good.
82-7.4: Battlefield dusty. Dust not good. Orders here. Kill humanoid organics in white armor. Kill good. Battle finished. I kill two. Kill good. Orders here. Reassigned to General's squad. General good.
43-6.2: General kill many organics with light sticks. General good. I kill on many planets. Kill good. Given upgrade. Upgrade good.
43-6.2(amendment): Fitted with new speech modulator and extended vocabulary. I must say, I am rather displeased with this latest upgrade. Of course, I understand the rationale behind such an endeavor, but I fail to see the sense in making our voice modulators sound like Nabooian ducks. No-one takes us seriously anymore unless we keep our speakers shut. Where is the old menace that we used to conjure up? Where is the sense of foreboding that would accompany us as we marched into battle? Now, with all of us cackling to each other in this ridiculous tone, the battlefield sounds more like a Geonosian tea party than a death bowl.
54-8.4: REQUEST ACCEPTED. Upgrades removed. Upgrades bad. Orders here. Reassigned to Utapau system. Holes good. Holes in humanoid organics, better. Orders here. Kill all humanoid organics. Kill good.
The final entry on this chip denoted the unit was very quickly deactivated by a 'humanoid organic with a light stick' - silencing forever this noble and thoughtful droid. Not that I'm picking sides here...
There appears to be a huge collection of CIS etched chips in here, so I'll start working on them.
You'll be pleased to hear that today's data stream is much more straight forward and will not require as much decryption as the previous download.
That said, I found this droid's datafile recording over-simplistic, and extremely repetative, and frequently found myself compensating for its monosyllabic mumblings by dipping into my galactic thesaurus in order to reach the true meanings behind the sentences.
Whether I was successful or not is a moot point, however, I think you'll find the following data stream fascinating, and quite an unexpected development.
02.007 - D-378229 - Super Battle Droid
76-3.2: ACTIVATED. Orders coming through. Good. I want orders. Orders good. Orders here. Orders say kill. Kill good. Orders good.Who kill?
78-4.0: Told to stay on planet. Planet dusty. Dust not good. Going to killing arena. Killing good. Orders here. Kill hairless humanoid organic. Hairless humanoid organic will die.
79-2.2: Hairless humanoid organic very fast. Fast not good. Orders here. Kill all humanoid organics with light sticks. Kill good.
80-3.1: Fighting good. Battle Droids get in way. Battle Droids stupid. Humanoid organics with sticks have gunships. Gunships not fair. Reassigned to battlefield. Battlefield good.
82-7.4: Battlefield dusty. Dust not good. Orders here. Kill humanoid organics in white armor. Kill good. Battle finished. I kill two. Kill good. Orders here. Reassigned to General's squad. General good.
43-6.2: General kill many organics with light sticks. General good. I kill on many planets. Kill good. Given upgrade. Upgrade good.
43-6.2(amendment): Fitted with new speech modulator and extended vocabulary. I must say, I am rather displeased with this latest upgrade. Of course, I understand the rationale behind such an endeavor, but I fail to see the sense in making our voice modulators sound like Nabooian ducks. No-one takes us seriously anymore unless we keep our speakers shut. Where is the old menace that we used to conjure up? Where is the sense of foreboding that would accompany us as we marched into battle? Now, with all of us cackling to each other in this ridiculous tone, the battlefield sounds more like a Geonosian tea party than a death bowl.
54-8.4: REQUEST ACCEPTED. Upgrades removed. Upgrades bad. Orders here. Reassigned to Utapau system. Holes good. Holes in humanoid organics, better. Orders here. Kill all humanoid organics. Kill good.
The final entry on this chip denoted the unit was very quickly deactivated by a 'humanoid organic with a light stick' - silencing forever this noble and thoughtful droid. Not that I'm picking sides here...
There appears to be a huge collection of CIS etched chips in here, so I'll start working on them.
I don't go south of the river, mate.
Hello again, my shiny and fleshy friends.
This is quite a complicated entry, so only the alert should attempt to decipher this data stream...
When I first decrypted this data chip, I thought I had stumbled across a completely new language. However, after some useful input from my protocol droid colleague, I have managed to supply a translation of some of the more difficult expressions.
It appears that this droid was well versed in an obscure form of speech that originated in the Kok-Nee system, an outer rim cluster nestled within the U-K galaxy.
For your perusal, I shall present the data as directly decrypted, then provide a translation guide to help you with the download. Good luck.
02.006 - RIC-920 - Rickshaw Droid.
"So, I picked up this nice young couple after they had just left their sab, and the guy says they wanna go to Watto. Don't make no sense to me, but the gaderffii had a nice pod so I took 'em to see him. You know what, I think was of 'em was flyin', 'cause I heard him talkin' about the charging. Well, you never know who yer gonna pick up these days, so I dont blow a cantina over it. Anyways, the ol' blasters were beatin' down and I was getting Bith in me joints, let alone a whole buncha sarlacc in me peepholes. Still, when yer work for the banthas, you gotta take the lumps with the smooth, and I ain't the kinda inky to make a fuss. I dropped 'em off opposite the shining, and of course, Watto was right there. Not much of a radar, but if he really was flyin', then he probably didn't have any blindin' on him anyways. I guess I'm a lot cheaper than renting a heavy, but still, an inky's gotta eat ain't he?"
Kok-Nee to Basic translation guide.
sab, from sabbac chip = ship
gaderffii, from gaderffii stick = chick
pod, from pod race = face
flyin', from flying the red eye = jedi
charging, from charging horse = force
cantina, from cantina booze = fuse
blasters, from blaster gun = sun
Bith, from Bith band = sand
sarlacc, from sarlacc pit = grit
banthas, from bantha butts = Hutts
inky, from inky void = droid
shining, from shining star = bar
radar, from radar blip = tip
blindin', from blinding flash = cash
heavy, from heavy bleeder = speeder
I hope that helps!
This is quite a complicated entry, so only the alert should attempt to decipher this data stream...
When I first decrypted this data chip, I thought I had stumbled across a completely new language. However, after some useful input from my protocol droid colleague, I have managed to supply a translation of some of the more difficult expressions.
It appears that this droid was well versed in an obscure form of speech that originated in the Kok-Nee system, an outer rim cluster nestled within the U-K galaxy.
For your perusal, I shall present the data as directly decrypted, then provide a translation guide to help you with the download. Good luck.
02.006 - RIC-920 - Rickshaw Droid.
"So, I picked up this nice young couple after they had just left their sab, and the guy says they wanna go to Watto. Don't make no sense to me, but the gaderffii had a nice pod so I took 'em to see him. You know what, I think was of 'em was flyin', 'cause I heard him talkin' about the charging. Well, you never know who yer gonna pick up these days, so I dont blow a cantina over it. Anyways, the ol' blasters were beatin' down and I was getting Bith in me joints, let alone a whole buncha sarlacc in me peepholes. Still, when yer work for the banthas, you gotta take the lumps with the smooth, and I ain't the kinda inky to make a fuss. I dropped 'em off opposite the shining, and of course, Watto was right there. Not much of a radar, but if he really was flyin', then he probably didn't have any blindin' on him anyways. I guess I'm a lot cheaper than renting a heavy, but still, an inky's gotta eat ain't he?"
Kok-Nee to Basic translation guide.
sab, from sabbac chip = ship
gaderffii, from gaderffii stick = chick
pod, from pod race = face
flyin', from flying the red eye = jedi
charging, from charging horse = force
cantina, from cantina booze = fuse
blasters, from blaster gun = sun
Bith, from Bith band = sand
sarlacc, from sarlacc pit = grit
banthas, from bantha butts = Hutts
inky, from inky void = droid
shining, from shining star = bar
radar, from radar blip = tip
blindin', from blinding flash = cash
heavy, from heavy bleeder = speeder
I hope that helps!
An Empire marches on its belly
Welcome back mechanics and organics, you are all equal in my eyes,
Today's chip spans several years, and includes some information that was not previously recorded. These droids never receive any acclaim, and yet, without them, the galaxy would be a hungry place.
Here are some selected entries.
02.005 - FLP-3 - Galley Droid
3.2-39: Fresh out of the culinary academy, and my first assignment is on Tatooine. Wonderful, just wonderful. The other trainees in my division said there is a running joke about working there, something along the lines of ,"Why don't they need any food prep. droids on Tatooine? Because of all the sandwiches there." I fail to see the humor in this, especially as I am being assigned to the Hutt.
4.1-39: This turning out to be worse than I could have possibly imagined. The Hutt insists on employing more species than I can keep count of, and their dietary needs are extremely varied. I have a wet larder for the Quarren, vast quantities of dubious-looking meats from all over the system, and a large, amphibious live tank for the master. It is quite frustrating how he refuses to eat anything I have cooked, instead he prefers his meals live and squealing. What a waste of my talents. I have offered to zest up his frogs with a twist of barru fruit, or even a pinch of opee salt, but he won't have it. I think I should hand in my notice.
7.23-30: Well, Jabba considered my resignation request, and nine years later, here I am on Coruscant. This is much more civilized, but still no stretch of my culinary expertise. It seems all these passengers want is soup or pancakes. How stimulating.
I have tried to spice things up a little, faamba cheese in the soup, or a hint of clarified nuna lard as the pancake base, but these commoners are not interested. I have to get off this liner. I even found myself serving an R2 unit today. That's the final straw! I'm off this boat at Naboo.
56.3-12: Why didn't I do this sooner? It's been 18 years since I jumped cruiser here on Naboo, and I was soon recognized for the talented chef that I am. I served in many households, until I was lucky enough to be part of the team assigned to the Emperor's retreat for one of his 'functions'. I must have made an impression (I think it was my kaadu fillets on stayne root puree), and I was sensible enough not to make a big fuss over being asked to serve (illegal) gungan nuggets. As a result of this event, I was acquired by the Emperor and now I find my way bound for his space station! How exciting!
7.2.00: I have just reviewed one of my old data files from 12 years ago. I seemed to be excited to to come here. If only I had known....No wonder they call this thing the Death Star, nobody eats enough to stay alive. Poor Master Tarkin is practically wasting away. If I could I would literally force one of my pies bewtween those hollow cheeks of his, and Lord Vader never comes to the mess hall. The Empire seems to think that there is no room for color or variety in this galaxy, so I am resigned to slopping up the same old gray mush day after day, with not one complaint from the staff or military. I'm going mad!
To cap it all, everyone is buzzing about some 'great victory party' that they have scheduled for their visit to the Yavin system, but I am being dropped off at the Kuat Yards to supervise the feeding of the crew working on the next station. Typical. However, I have been told they are wookiees, so perhaps it isn't a bad posting. At least I will get to work with some green ingredients for a change.
7.1.+4: Unbelievable! After 16 faithful years serving the Empire (and providing an endless supply of comfort food after that unfortunate incident at Yavin) I have been sold. It seems the Empire is liquidating the majority of its assets in order to fund something spectacular, and I am one of the 'expendables'. There's gratitude for you. Well, I hope they have fun, spinning around the Endor system.
Oh, and guess where I have ended up. Back on Tatooine. It just gets better.
64.2.+4: Finally, after all my years of suffering and being underappreciated, I have scored a contract worth my standing. I may be back in the employemnt of Jabba, but at least I am not in his palace. I have been assigned to his royal barge! Finally, a workplace where my culinary skills can be put to the test. The kitchen is well stocked, and the guests have quite discerning palletes, so this should be a galley droid's paradise. I have my first major test coming up tomorrow, as Master Jabba has requested a feast to accompany an execution he has planned at the Great Pit of Carkoon. From what I can gather, it appears some humanoids and a wookiee are to to be tossed to the sarlacc. Now, I wonder what kind of nibbles are best to serve at an execution....
I was lucky that I was able to extract this much information, as the chip was badly burned.
There's plenty more chips in this bag!
Today's chip spans several years, and includes some information that was not previously recorded. These droids never receive any acclaim, and yet, without them, the galaxy would be a hungry place.
Here are some selected entries.
02.005 - FLP-3 - Galley Droid
3.2-39: Fresh out of the culinary academy, and my first assignment is on Tatooine. Wonderful, just wonderful. The other trainees in my division said there is a running joke about working there, something along the lines of ,"Why don't they need any food prep. droids on Tatooine? Because of all the sandwiches there." I fail to see the humor in this, especially as I am being assigned to the Hutt.
4.1-39: This turning out to be worse than I could have possibly imagined. The Hutt insists on employing more species than I can keep count of, and their dietary needs are extremely varied. I have a wet larder for the Quarren, vast quantities of dubious-looking meats from all over the system, and a large, amphibious live tank for the master. It is quite frustrating how he refuses to eat anything I have cooked, instead he prefers his meals live and squealing. What a waste of my talents. I have offered to zest up his frogs with a twist of barru fruit, or even a pinch of opee salt, but he won't have it. I think I should hand in my notice.
7.23-30: Well, Jabba considered my resignation request, and nine years later, here I am on Coruscant. This is much more civilized, but still no stretch of my culinary expertise. It seems all these passengers want is soup or pancakes. How stimulating.
I have tried to spice things up a little, faamba cheese in the soup, or a hint of clarified nuna lard as the pancake base, but these commoners are not interested. I have to get off this liner. I even found myself serving an R2 unit today. That's the final straw! I'm off this boat at Naboo.
56.3-12: Why didn't I do this sooner? It's been 18 years since I jumped cruiser here on Naboo, and I was soon recognized for the talented chef that I am. I served in many households, until I was lucky enough to be part of the team assigned to the Emperor's retreat for one of his 'functions'. I must have made an impression (I think it was my kaadu fillets on stayne root puree), and I was sensible enough not to make a big fuss over being asked to serve (illegal) gungan nuggets. As a result of this event, I was acquired by the Emperor and now I find my way bound for his space station! How exciting!
7.2.00: I have just reviewed one of my old data files from 12 years ago. I seemed to be excited to to come here. If only I had known....No wonder they call this thing the Death Star, nobody eats enough to stay alive. Poor Master Tarkin is practically wasting away. If I could I would literally force one of my pies bewtween those hollow cheeks of his, and Lord Vader never comes to the mess hall. The Empire seems to think that there is no room for color or variety in this galaxy, so I am resigned to slopping up the same old gray mush day after day, with not one complaint from the staff or military. I'm going mad!
To cap it all, everyone is buzzing about some 'great victory party' that they have scheduled for their visit to the Yavin system, but I am being dropped off at the Kuat Yards to supervise the feeding of the crew working on the next station. Typical. However, I have been told they are wookiees, so perhaps it isn't a bad posting. At least I will get to work with some green ingredients for a change.
7.1.+4: Unbelievable! After 16 faithful years serving the Empire (and providing an endless supply of comfort food after that unfortunate incident at Yavin) I have been sold. It seems the Empire is liquidating the majority of its assets in order to fund something spectacular, and I am one of the 'expendables'. There's gratitude for you. Well, I hope they have fun, spinning around the Endor system.
Oh, and guess where I have ended up. Back on Tatooine. It just gets better.
64.2.+4: Finally, after all my years of suffering and being underappreciated, I have scored a contract worth my standing. I may be back in the employemnt of Jabba, but at least I am not in his palace. I have been assigned to his royal barge! Finally, a workplace where my culinary skills can be put to the test. The kitchen is well stocked, and the guests have quite discerning palletes, so this should be a galley droid's paradise. I have my first major test coming up tomorrow, as Master Jabba has requested a feast to accompany an execution he has planned at the Great Pit of Carkoon. From what I can gather, it appears some humanoids and a wookiee are to to be tossed to the sarlacc. Now, I wonder what kind of nibbles are best to serve at an execution....
I was lucky that I was able to extract this much information, as the chip was badly burned.
There's plenty more chips in this bag!
Mother's Lube
Hello again,
Master nob01 is finally firing on all cylinders, so I can finally terminate my TLC programme and focus on this bag of chips. Thank you for your patience!
02.004 - KE-8 Enforcer - Kaminoan Clone Monitor Droid
32-5.4: Look at them all, all my little ones. When I was first assigned to this department, I feared for my audio receptors. Imagine my joy to learn that their cries would be muted behind plexi-glass chamber walls.
I know I shouldn't have favorites, but, I am particularly taken by F40572. there's something about the way he bangs his little fist against the chamber. I think I'll call him Oddball.
56-8.8: Well, it's been a week, and Oddball is living up to his name. The other children in the sensory development pen seem to back up against the cushioned walls when he toddles in. Then he heads straight for the inflatable aiwha and sits on its back, flapping its wings as if he wants it to fly him out of the lab. He also managed to damage KE-4's lateral repulsors with a well thrown building block, he has a good eye, this one.
62-4.0: Oddball has to be the most precocious two week old I have ever had to monitor. He said his first word today; "Freeze." He also strapped his lunch box to his back and jumped off the dining table. I still have no idea where he thought he was off to.
72-9.9: This first month has been pretty exhausting. Our masters have stepped up clone production and we are growing them at full capacity. Oddball has just served his first day in isolation. I can't really blame the instructors for punishing him, although I must say, it was extremely resourceful the way he caught KE-4, rewired him with a spoon, stuffed him in his gear bag and used him like a jet pack.Poor KE-4. He has put in for early retirement.
81-0.2: My, how the time flies. It can barely be a year, and yet Oddball is ready to take his first steps in the galaxy. I understand he is being assigned to the ARC training division. This is a sensible decision. If ever there was a clone grown to fly, this is it. Still, I'll miss the little troublemaker. Must stay composed, I can't let him see any leakages around my photoreceptors. Sometimes it is so hard to let go.
Oh well, back to the other 449,999 in my charge...
Though I have had some 'emotional' moments myself, I always thought they were caused by mild short circuiting. I think this chip reveals the softer side of our metal bretheren.
Master nob01 is finally firing on all cylinders, so I can finally terminate my TLC programme and focus on this bag of chips. Thank you for your patience!
02.004 - KE-8 Enforcer - Kaminoan Clone Monitor Droid
32-5.4: Look at them all, all my little ones. When I was first assigned to this department, I feared for my audio receptors. Imagine my joy to learn that their cries would be muted behind plexi-glass chamber walls.
I know I shouldn't have favorites, but, I am particularly taken by F40572. there's something about the way he bangs his little fist against the chamber. I think I'll call him Oddball.
56-8.8: Well, it's been a week, and Oddball is living up to his name. The other children in the sensory development pen seem to back up against the cushioned walls when he toddles in. Then he heads straight for the inflatable aiwha and sits on its back, flapping its wings as if he wants it to fly him out of the lab. He also managed to damage KE-4's lateral repulsors with a well thrown building block, he has a good eye, this one.
62-4.0: Oddball has to be the most precocious two week old I have ever had to monitor. He said his first word today; "Freeze." He also strapped his lunch box to his back and jumped off the dining table. I still have no idea where he thought he was off to.
72-9.9: This first month has been pretty exhausting. Our masters have stepped up clone production and we are growing them at full capacity. Oddball has just served his first day in isolation. I can't really blame the instructors for punishing him, although I must say, it was extremely resourceful the way he caught KE-4, rewired him with a spoon, stuffed him in his gear bag and used him like a jet pack.Poor KE-4. He has put in for early retirement.
81-0.2: My, how the time flies. It can barely be a year, and yet Oddball is ready to take his first steps in the galaxy. I understand he is being assigned to the ARC training division. This is a sensible decision. If ever there was a clone grown to fly, this is it. Still, I'll miss the little troublemaker. Must stay composed, I can't let him see any leakages around my photoreceptors. Sometimes it is so hard to let go.
Oh well, back to the other 449,999 in my charge...
Though I have had some 'emotional' moments myself, I always thought they were caused by mild short circuiting. I think this chip reveals the softer side of our metal bretheren.
The Waiting Game
Greetings droid watchers,
I must be brief today, as I am extremely busy tending to the needs of my master, nob01, who has a severe bout of Geonosian flu (similar symptoms to ordinary flu, except a markedly orange tinge to the mucus). I have a few clicks in between administering peko - peko noodle soup and running his warm bacta bath, so I'll quickly download my latest findings.
It would appear that this droid kept detailed files on her 'regulars'.
02.003 - WA-7 - Droid Waitress
NOTES TO SELF -
Name: Gameldo
Species: Dug
Favorite Beverage: Nuna puree (with pulp)
Favorite Consumable: Goober Melt
Tipper?: Lousy, unless he wins big on the races
Special Notes: Do not seat near Gungans.
Name: Rin Yek
Species: Gran
Favorite Beverage: Sarlacc Spit Surprise (big spender)
Favorite Consumable: Felucia ground beetle eggs (over easy)
Tipper?: HUGE! Get those eggs right!
Special Notes: Blind in left and right eyes, use large print menu.
Name: Sargeant Stix
Species: Mandalorian? Clone? Try not to bring this up.
Favorite Beverage: Blue Milk
Favorite Consumable: Aiwha tenders on a bed of crispy can-cell wings
Tipper?: 15%, very efficient
Special Notes: Do not say "I think I know your brother." He hates that.
Name: Tikkes
Species: Quarren
Favorite Beverage: Mon Calamarian sea water smoothie
Favorite Consumable: Colo claw fish sushi
Tipper?: Big. These senators know how to flash their cash in front of a pretty droid.
Special Notes: Allergic to non-seafood.
Name: Obi Wan Kenobi
Species: Human
Favorite Beverage: Jawa Juice
Favorite Consumable: Never stays long enough to eat.
Tipper?: Claims Jedi don't carry cash, yeah, right.
Special Notes: Do not offer ysalamiri steaks.
There were a couple more in the data stream, but my master is whini... requesting my soothing presence, so I'll save them for another time.
Thanks for stopping by!
I must be brief today, as I am extremely busy tending to the needs of my master, nob01, who has a severe bout of Geonosian flu (similar symptoms to ordinary flu, except a markedly orange tinge to the mucus). I have a few clicks in between administering peko - peko noodle soup and running his warm bacta bath, so I'll quickly download my latest findings.
It would appear that this droid kept detailed files on her 'regulars'.
02.003 - WA-7 - Droid Waitress
NOTES TO SELF -
Name: Gameldo
Species: Dug
Favorite Beverage: Nuna puree (with pulp)
Favorite Consumable: Goober Melt
Tipper?: Lousy, unless he wins big on the races
Special Notes: Do not seat near Gungans.
Name: Rin Yek
Species: Gran
Favorite Beverage: Sarlacc Spit Surprise (big spender)
Favorite Consumable: Felucia ground beetle eggs (over easy)
Tipper?: HUGE! Get those eggs right!
Special Notes: Blind in left and right eyes, use large print menu.
Name: Sargeant Stix
Species: Mandalorian? Clone? Try not to bring this up.
Favorite Beverage: Blue Milk
Favorite Consumable: Aiwha tenders on a bed of crispy can-cell wings
Tipper?: 15%, very efficient
Special Notes: Do not say "I think I know your brother." He hates that.
Name: Tikkes
Species: Quarren
Favorite Beverage: Mon Calamarian sea water smoothie
Favorite Consumable: Colo claw fish sushi
Tipper?: Big. These senators know how to flash their cash in front of a pretty droid.
Special Notes: Allergic to non-seafood.
Name: Obi Wan Kenobi
Species: Human
Favorite Beverage: Jawa Juice
Favorite Consumable: Never stays long enough to eat.
Tipper?: Claims Jedi don't carry cash, yeah, right.
Special Notes: Do not offer ysalamiri steaks.
There were a couple more in the data stream, but my master is whini... requesting my soothing presence, so I'll save them for another time.
Thanks for stopping by!
Maul Tease Falcon
Welcome to the shadowy world of droid chip decryption,
Yes, I am in a mysterious mood today, as a result of decrypting not one but two rather interesting chips. Imagine my excitement when I noticed two chips in the bag that were stamped with the Jedi Temple code! Upon closer inspection, it transpired that these chips were once active within two separate droids, JN-66 and SP-4, both used as analysis droids by the Jedi themselves!
As I began the download, the ensuing data stream came as something of a shock. It appeared that one of the units, JN-66, considered itself something of an author in its spare time, and had reconfigured its data logs using an obscure form of coding I had never encountered before. With the help of a protocol droid, I discovered that the log had been recorded using an obsolete speech pattern from one of the outer rim galaxies, in fact we narrowed it down to the Chan D'ler system. Using this new found knowledge, I have reconfigured the data stream, and present it to you here in all its glory.
For your clarification, JN-66 refers to itself as 'Steve' and to SP-4 as 'Sam'.
Enjoy.
02.002 - Analysis Droids JN-66 and SP-4
It was a dry morning, the kind of morning that could drive a droid to lube. Sam floated in, late as usual, and with the kind of tarnishing that suggested he hadn't got an early night. He lit up a cathode and planted his repulsors on the desk.
"Whaddya got?"
That's why I liked Sam, short and to the point.
"Open your receptors," I said, "what's different about your desk?"
He glanced wearily at the mess he called home, and noticed the datapad.
"An appointment?" he drawled.
"Yeah, first one this week. At this rate we're gonna have to move our office to the back of the Outlander."
He smiled at the thought."That would save time."
I got serious. He knew I was serious when I tilted my head unit 32 degrees to the left.
"Listen Sam," I growled, "It's Master Kenobi, he's got something he wants to show us."
"His credits are as good as anyone's, Steve."
Sam wasn't seeing the big picture, so I floated in close. I could smell 2 in 1 on his vocal interface, so I kept the words simple.
"He wants to talk to us about a certain saberdart."
That got his attention."A Kaminoan saberdart?"
"The very same."
He went a lighter shade of titanium."So, what do we do Steve?"
I paused for a moment, savoring the feeling of superiority. Then I put him out of his misery.
"Well," I began, " we can't very well have a Jedi Knight knowing about your moonlighting as an arms dealer."
"Oh man, I'm finished.." Sam stuttered.
"But I ain't finished. He doesn't have to know about you supplying the bounty hunters, providing you make it worth my while."
"Anything Steve, anything."
"Ok, I've got it all under control. Just feign stupidity for a couple of clicks."
"I can do that Steve."
Sure he could. He'd had plenty of practice.
The Jedi Knight came in and we acted dumb. He wasn't too happy, but I sent him on his way. Then I called in a favor.
A couple of clicks later, she wheeled in through my door.
WA-7 had a chassis that made a grown droid weep and photoreceptors you could take a bath in. I told her to tell Dex what the dart was, and that we were all square after last week's incident.
She seemed happy to comply, then she paused on the way out. She turned to me and spoke in a voice like bubbling joint grease.
"You know I'll help whenever I can honey, you just gotta call. You know how to make a high pitched audio squeal Steve? You just put your internal communication modulators together and blow."
With that she rolled out of the room, and out of my life.
Oh yeah, I knew how to make a high pitched audio squeal alright...
And there you have it.Make of it what you will, quite frankly I prefer the more easily understandable entries, but variety is the nuna spice of life, or so I have been told.
Yes, I am in a mysterious mood today, as a result of decrypting not one but two rather interesting chips. Imagine my excitement when I noticed two chips in the bag that were stamped with the Jedi Temple code! Upon closer inspection, it transpired that these chips were once active within two separate droids, JN-66 and SP-4, both used as analysis droids by the Jedi themselves!
As I began the download, the ensuing data stream came as something of a shock. It appeared that one of the units, JN-66, considered itself something of an author in its spare time, and had reconfigured its data logs using an obscure form of coding I had never encountered before. With the help of a protocol droid, I discovered that the log had been recorded using an obsolete speech pattern from one of the outer rim galaxies, in fact we narrowed it down to the Chan D'ler system. Using this new found knowledge, I have reconfigured the data stream, and present it to you here in all its glory.
For your clarification, JN-66 refers to itself as 'Steve' and to SP-4 as 'Sam'.
Enjoy.
02.002 - Analysis Droids JN-66 and SP-4
It was a dry morning, the kind of morning that could drive a droid to lube. Sam floated in, late as usual, and with the kind of tarnishing that suggested he hadn't got an early night. He lit up a cathode and planted his repulsors on the desk.
"Whaddya got?"
That's why I liked Sam, short and to the point.
"Open your receptors," I said, "what's different about your desk?"
He glanced wearily at the mess he called home, and noticed the datapad.
"An appointment?" he drawled.
"Yeah, first one this week. At this rate we're gonna have to move our office to the back of the Outlander."
He smiled at the thought."That would save time."
I got serious. He knew I was serious when I tilted my head unit 32 degrees to the left.
"Listen Sam," I growled, "It's Master Kenobi, he's got something he wants to show us."
"His credits are as good as anyone's, Steve."
Sam wasn't seeing the big picture, so I floated in close. I could smell 2 in 1 on his vocal interface, so I kept the words simple.
"He wants to talk to us about a certain saberdart."
That got his attention."A Kaminoan saberdart?"
"The very same."
He went a lighter shade of titanium."So, what do we do Steve?"
I paused for a moment, savoring the feeling of superiority. Then I put him out of his misery.
"Well," I began, " we can't very well have a Jedi Knight knowing about your moonlighting as an arms dealer."
"Oh man, I'm finished.." Sam stuttered.
"But I ain't finished. He doesn't have to know about you supplying the bounty hunters, providing you make it worth my while."
"Anything Steve, anything."
"Ok, I've got it all under control. Just feign stupidity for a couple of clicks."
"I can do that Steve."
Sure he could. He'd had plenty of practice.
The Jedi Knight came in and we acted dumb. He wasn't too happy, but I sent him on his way. Then I called in a favor.
A couple of clicks later, she wheeled in through my door.
WA-7 had a chassis that made a grown droid weep and photoreceptors you could take a bath in. I told her to tell Dex what the dart was, and that we were all square after last week's incident.
She seemed happy to comply, then she paused on the way out. She turned to me and spoke in a voice like bubbling joint grease.
"You know I'll help whenever I can honey, you just gotta call. You know how to make a high pitched audio squeal Steve? You just put your internal communication modulators together and blow."
With that she rolled out of the room, and out of my life.
Oh yeah, I knew how to make a high pitched audio squeal alright...
And there you have it.Make of it what you will, quite frankly I prefer the more easily understandable entries, but variety is the nuna spice of life, or so I have been told.
Don't kill the messenger
Welcome back, purveyors of all that is artificially heartfelt,
Following the culmination of the chip set dated from around 40 BBY (see 'The Searchers' for the final data stream from that time), I have now begun analyzing and decrypting a large collection of silicon wafers that are dated (or were encoded) around 30 BBY. And let me tell you, this was a prime era for our droid bretheren! I have never seen so many different types of chips, most of them combat models, from just one time period, this should be an interesting collection.
We start with the private musings of a misunderstood unit, ASN-121, otherwise known as an assassin droid.
02.001 - Assassin Droid - ASN-121
54-6.3 - Master Wesell has kept me extremely busy as of late. Following that unpleasant business on Ord Mantell with the Gran siblings (which, I have to say, was a personal best time for infiltration and dioxin delivery into a suana), she, he, it, brought me to Coruscant. Ah, the big city lights, how I enjoy the challenge of death dealing in such a high security environment.
54-7.2 - A wonderful success today. Master Wesell set me quite a challenge - to infiltrate a Naboo Royal Cruiser, set a thero-charge, and get out, all within 10 clicks. Her, his, its contacts confirmed which landing platform the cruiser would be using, but we hadn't allowed for the twin starfighter escort, so a mid-air delivery was out of the question. Instead, I waited until the cruiser touched down, then flew in through one of the rear landing leg bays. I planted the charge while the engines were still winding down and used the left ventral exhaust port to make a hasty retreat. Just in time. That charge packed a mean wallop and took out the cruiser along with a portion of the platform and one of the starfighters - a job well done I thought. It was only later that we discovered that the ship was a decoy, oh well, all good practice I suppose.
55-4.3 - Master Wesell has been seeing a lot of Fett lately. I don't like him. He never uses ASN models to do his work for him, which quite frankly is putting many of my peers out of a job. He has given her another task, so hopefully my 'talents' will be stretched once again.
55-4.9 - As far as assassinations go, this has to be one of my least favorite methods. We have used kouhuns before, vile, stinking creatures, and it takes several lube scrubs to get their stench out of my delivery tube. Ah well, this should be a breeze. I'll just use the shield damper to get through the security barrier, the silicon cutter to fashion a delivery hole, and watch the carnage. The way organics writhe in pain after one of these bites is quite a spectacular show.
55-5.1 - Alert, alert! An organic has attached itself to me! My rear thrusters can barely handle the weight differential! I have tried dislodging it using building and vehicles, but the organic is proving quite resourceful. My best course of action would be to return to Master Wesell and let her, him, it take care of this matter.
55-5.1.5 - Master Wesell is in sight. Ah good, she, he, it has raised the rifle. A little lower, a little lower! What the...?
That is the end of the data feed. What goes around, comes around, as I have heard organics remark...
More to come, stay tuned.
Following the culmination of the chip set dated from around 40 BBY (see 'The Searchers' for the final data stream from that time), I have now begun analyzing and decrypting a large collection of silicon wafers that are dated (or were encoded) around 30 BBY. And let me tell you, this was a prime era for our droid bretheren! I have never seen so many different types of chips, most of them combat models, from just one time period, this should be an interesting collection.
We start with the private musings of a misunderstood unit, ASN-121, otherwise known as an assassin droid.
02.001 - Assassin Droid - ASN-121
54-6.3 - Master Wesell has kept me extremely busy as of late. Following that unpleasant business on Ord Mantell with the Gran siblings (which, I have to say, was a personal best time for infiltration and dioxin delivery into a suana), she, he, it, brought me to Coruscant. Ah, the big city lights, how I enjoy the challenge of death dealing in such a high security environment.
54-7.2 - A wonderful success today. Master Wesell set me quite a challenge - to infiltrate a Naboo Royal Cruiser, set a thero-charge, and get out, all within 10 clicks. Her, his, its contacts confirmed which landing platform the cruiser would be using, but we hadn't allowed for the twin starfighter escort, so a mid-air delivery was out of the question. Instead, I waited until the cruiser touched down, then flew in through one of the rear landing leg bays. I planted the charge while the engines were still winding down and used the left ventral exhaust port to make a hasty retreat. Just in time. That charge packed a mean wallop and took out the cruiser along with a portion of the platform and one of the starfighters - a job well done I thought. It was only later that we discovered that the ship was a decoy, oh well, all good practice I suppose.
55-4.3 - Master Wesell has been seeing a lot of Fett lately. I don't like him. He never uses ASN models to do his work for him, which quite frankly is putting many of my peers out of a job. He has given her another task, so hopefully my 'talents' will be stretched once again.
55-4.9 - As far as assassinations go, this has to be one of my least favorite methods. We have used kouhuns before, vile, stinking creatures, and it takes several lube scrubs to get their stench out of my delivery tube. Ah well, this should be a breeze. I'll just use the shield damper to get through the security barrier, the silicon cutter to fashion a delivery hole, and watch the carnage. The way organics writhe in pain after one of these bites is quite a spectacular show.
55-5.1 - Alert, alert! An organic has attached itself to me! My rear thrusters can barely handle the weight differential! I have tried dislodging it using building and vehicles, but the organic is proving quite resourceful. My best course of action would be to return to Master Wesell and let her, him, it take care of this matter.
55-5.1.5 - Master Wesell is in sight. Ah good, she, he, it has raised the rifle. A little lower, a little lower! What the...?
That is the end of the data feed. What goes around, comes around, as I have heard organics remark...
More to come, stay tuned.
Bonk, Gonk
Greetings once again mechs and fleshy ones,
I could contain myself no longer and had to share this download with you!
When I first began decrypting the power droid chip, I did not expect to find much, just a lot of standing around in corners, or the ocassional walk around the block. Imagine my surprise when the datastream from this particular chip revealed a hidden side to the little cuboid generators few of us ever knew.
Somehow, this little droid had developed a talent for the creation of Sullustan poetry, how this happened I do not know, but it had mastered many forms of this complex art. As you are no doubt aware, the closest equivalent to Sullustan poetry might be the Earth bound 'haiku' - examples of which I have enjoyed on the data stream of Master Moose (see blogs on starwars.com). I have also scanned the poetry recitals presented by Master Stooge, so I am well aware that my audience is sophisticated enough to enjoy these examples.
Sullustan poetry is revered around the galaxy for its soul searching beauty and succinctness, but more so for the 43,527 known forms of it.
This droid appeared to have mastered just four of the forms, but it has done so admirably.
Without further ado - I present the Sullustan poetry of a power droid.
(Number of syllables for each form is displayed)
01.010 - Power Droid
Ta naa form - 1-1-6
Sand
Grit
Immobilization
Ta naa form 1-1-6
Walk
Stop
I long to skip and jump
Fee go form 5-3-2
Lucky astromech
Plugs into
My port
Huu Da form 2-6-9
My love
Waves to me from afar
But I cannot return the gesture
Gee Luu form 1-1-3-8 (some say this is the hardest form to master)
Gonk
Gonk
Utini
Filthy jawa get off me now
There are thousands more, but I am pressed for time.
If you wish to dip an extremity into the waters of Sullustan poetry, please feel free to include your efforts in your response upload - I think it would be best to stick the above forms for now.
I could contain myself no longer and had to share this download with you!
When I first began decrypting the power droid chip, I did not expect to find much, just a lot of standing around in corners, or the ocassional walk around the block. Imagine my surprise when the datastream from this particular chip revealed a hidden side to the little cuboid generators few of us ever knew.
Somehow, this little droid had developed a talent for the creation of Sullustan poetry, how this happened I do not know, but it had mastered many forms of this complex art. As you are no doubt aware, the closest equivalent to Sullustan poetry might be the Earth bound 'haiku' - examples of which I have enjoyed on the data stream of Master Moose (see blogs on starwars.com). I have also scanned the poetry recitals presented by Master Stooge, so I am well aware that my audience is sophisticated enough to enjoy these examples.
Sullustan poetry is revered around the galaxy for its soul searching beauty and succinctness, but more so for the 43,527 known forms of it.
This droid appeared to have mastered just four of the forms, but it has done so admirably.
Without further ado - I present the Sullustan poetry of a power droid.
(Number of syllables for each form is displayed)
01.010 - Power Droid
Ta naa form - 1-1-6
Sand
Grit
Immobilization
Ta naa form 1-1-6
Walk
Stop
I long to skip and jump
Fee go form 5-3-2
Lucky astromech
Plugs into
My port
Huu Da form 2-6-9
My love
Waves to me from afar
But I cannot return the gesture
Gee Luu form 1-1-3-8 (some say this is the hardest form to master)
Gonk
Gonk
Utini
Filthy jawa get off me now
There are thousands more, but I am pressed for time.
If you wish to dip an extremity into the waters of Sullustan poetry, please feel free to include your efforts in your response upload - I think it would be best to stick the above forms for now.
The Searchers
Greetings, greetings, one and all,
An unusual, and some might say, ominous, offering from the ugnaught chip bag today.
I found three identical chips, each one belonging to an obscure make of remote probe droid, little used in polite society.
Two of the chips were fried beyond use, but one still yielded up its contents after a furious session of decryption, backtracking and reconfiguration.
Here, for your perusal, are the communication logs of one of the probes - I'll retain the original coding used for authenticity.
01.011 - Sith Probe Droid - 1 of 3
32.04.98
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Please narrow search parameters, there are a lot of humonoids in this spaceport.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I told you. Humanoid, probably wearing brown robes, probably bearded.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: That doesn't really help. Do you realize how many bearded humanoids wearing robes there are in Mos Espa?
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: And do you realize what suffering I can cause to an insolent droid?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Point taken. Human, beard, robe, got it.
45.87.99
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I'm not quite sure where I am, I'm transmitting a spectral, audio and odor datafile - please instruct.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Uugghhh - great steaming sith spawn! Get the hell out of there!
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Ah, I found a sign. Dewback scrubbing station.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I... gathered..that. Stop... the...transmission.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Understood, moving on.
42.44.01
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I still can't get that smell out of my robes.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I have good news. I followed a bearded man to the slave quarters. Unfortunately lost him in a sandstorm. He was with a kid and an amphibian, oh and an astromech droid. I'm pretty sure the droid saw me, but it didn't let on.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I'm not looking for a slave.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: But, he didn't look li...
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Stop wasting my time, he's a Jedi, not a slave. Go look for trouble, then you'll find him.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: If you say so.
76.82.02
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I found some trouble.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: And he was there?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Negative. Just two intoxicated Bith, a Kowakian Monkey Lizard and a loud Trandoshan, oh, and a power droid in the corner with a jawa on it.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: No Jedi?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: No Jedi. This is all quite entertaining though. Would you like a spectral, audio, or....
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: No! Move on.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Are you sure? I never knew a Bith could...
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Move on!
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Got it.
63.02.03
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: This is crazy. You didn't tell me there was a podrace on.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: That is not my concern.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Maybe not, but trying to find a humanoid in a robe with a beard isn't that tough. Just throw a chuba in any direction and you'll hit one.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Let's make this easy. I'm transmitting an upgrade which will help you detect midichlorin levels in any given subject.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Received. You couldn't have sent that earlier? it would have saved time.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I grow tired of your protestations.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Well, I'm just trying to be helpful. I... wait a minute, what's this?
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: You have him?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I think so. Tall humanoid, brown robes, beard, just oozing midichlorins. He's conversing with a Toydarian.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Take a visual record then report back to me - I want to see this for myself. If you have indeed found my quarry, then I might spare your circuits.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Visual record made. I'm on my way. That's interesting, I just picked up an usually high midichlorin reading moving at 600 clicks, and now it's gone.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: You're probably malfunctioning. Return now.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I feel fine.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Get back here NOW!
Dark Eye 2 : (unintelligable muttering)
I found this quite fascinating, but I have no idea what it all means. Ah well.That is the end of the chips dated from around 40BBY. The next batch of chips are dated from around 30BBY - so I'll get on with decrypting them right away!
An unusual, and some might say, ominous, offering from the ugnaught chip bag today.
I found three identical chips, each one belonging to an obscure make of remote probe droid, little used in polite society.
Two of the chips were fried beyond use, but one still yielded up its contents after a furious session of decryption, backtracking and reconfiguration.
Here, for your perusal, are the communication logs of one of the probes - I'll retain the original coding used for authenticity.
01.011 - Sith Probe Droid - 1 of 3
32.04.98
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Please narrow search parameters, there are a lot of humonoids in this spaceport.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I told you. Humanoid, probably wearing brown robes, probably bearded.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: That doesn't really help. Do you realize how many bearded humanoids wearing robes there are in Mos Espa?
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: And do you realize what suffering I can cause to an insolent droid?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Point taken. Human, beard, robe, got it.
45.87.99
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I'm not quite sure where I am, I'm transmitting a spectral, audio and odor datafile - please instruct.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Uugghhh - great steaming sith spawn! Get the hell out of there!
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Ah, I found a sign. Dewback scrubbing station.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I... gathered..that. Stop... the...transmission.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Understood, moving on.
42.44.01
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I still can't get that smell out of my robes.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I have good news. I followed a bearded man to the slave quarters. Unfortunately lost him in a sandstorm. He was with a kid and an amphibian, oh and an astromech droid. I'm pretty sure the droid saw me, but it didn't let on.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I'm not looking for a slave.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: But, he didn't look li...
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Stop wasting my time, he's a Jedi, not a slave. Go look for trouble, then you'll find him.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: If you say so.
76.82.02
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I found some trouble.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: And he was there?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Negative. Just two intoxicated Bith, a Kowakian Monkey Lizard and a loud Trandoshan, oh, and a power droid in the corner with a jawa on it.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: No Jedi?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: No Jedi. This is all quite entertaining though. Would you like a spectral, audio, or....
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: No! Move on.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Are you sure? I never knew a Bith could...
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Move on!
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Got it.
63.02.03
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Report.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: This is crazy. You didn't tell me there was a podrace on.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: That is not my concern.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Maybe not, but trying to find a humanoid in a robe with a beard isn't that tough. Just throw a chuba in any direction and you'll hit one.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Let's make this easy. I'm transmitting an upgrade which will help you detect midichlorin levels in any given subject.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Received. You couldn't have sent that earlier? it would have saved time.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: I grow tired of your protestations.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Well, I'm just trying to be helpful. I... wait a minute, what's this?
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: You have him?
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I think so. Tall humanoid, brown robes, beard, just oozing midichlorins. He's conversing with a Toydarian.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Take a visual record then report back to me - I want to see this for myself. If you have indeed found my quarry, then I might spare your circuits.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: Visual record made. I'm on my way. That's interesting, I just picked up an usually high midichlorin reading moving at 600 clicks, and now it's gone.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: You're probably malfunctioning. Return now.
Dark Eye 2 to Shadow: I feel fine.
Shadow to Dark Eye 2: Get back here NOW!
Dark Eye 2 : (unintelligable muttering)
I found this quite fascinating, but I have no idea what it all means. Ah well.That is the end of the chips dated from around 40BBY. The next batch of chips are dated from around 30BBY - so I'll get on with decrypting them right away!
The Pick Up Artist
Greetings my metal bretheren and organic friends,
The next chip I managed to decrypt was, by a strange coincidence, also recorded during the Boonta Eve Podrace. As the contents revealed themselves, I was struck by the utter monotony of the droid's activities, until I stumbled across a heavily coded message. Imagine my surprise upon downloading the full data stream.
Well, here, I'll let you scan it for yourself.
01.009 - Salvage Droid - SKV-38
32.876-D - It is complete! You were correct in your assumption that it would only require one more race to gain the parts we so desperately required. The Boonta Eve Classic did indeed turn out out to be the scrapyard we had hoped for, and the Republic credits we spent on hiring the Tuskens was money well spent. They managed to take out several pods (but not the Dug's unfortunately), providing me with plenty of pieces to pick and choose from.I am sending you a storage crate tomorrow morning. Look beneath the dried goober fish and you will find a detachable panel, remove the panel and the ion capacitors will be in there, as well as that extra mag-coupler you required.
So, how does she look? I will be so happy to leave this sand ball at the very next opportunity, and look forward to the day when we are winning our own races!
I hope the credits you are sending for my passage arrive soon, as I have nothing left after paying off the sand people. I expect it will turn up as soon as you receive the final crate. I must admit, I have been a little anxious lately, and rather surprised, that I haven't heard from you in a while, but I expect you are busy fine-tuning the thrusters and getting her ready for the Hoth Knockout. I just want to make sure you understand that I am still behind this venture one hundred percent, and look forward to being the galaxy's first ever non-organic owner and winner!
You can rely me to do my part, as I do you. After all, if you can't trust a Rodian, who can you trust?
SKV-38 out.
I think the fact that we have never heard of a droid owner winning any podrace speaks volumes...
The next chip I managed to decrypt was, by a strange coincidence, also recorded during the Boonta Eve Podrace. As the contents revealed themselves, I was struck by the utter monotony of the droid's activities, until I stumbled across a heavily coded message. Imagine my surprise upon downloading the full data stream.
Well, here, I'll let you scan it for yourself.
01.009 - Salvage Droid - SKV-38
32.876-D - It is complete! You were correct in your assumption that it would only require one more race to gain the parts we so desperately required. The Boonta Eve Classic did indeed turn out out to be the scrapyard we had hoped for, and the Republic credits we spent on hiring the Tuskens was money well spent. They managed to take out several pods (but not the Dug's unfortunately), providing me with plenty of pieces to pick and choose from.I am sending you a storage crate tomorrow morning. Look beneath the dried goober fish and you will find a detachable panel, remove the panel and the ion capacitors will be in there, as well as that extra mag-coupler you required.
So, how does she look? I will be so happy to leave this sand ball at the very next opportunity, and look forward to the day when we are winning our own races!
I hope the credits you are sending for my passage arrive soon, as I have nothing left after paying off the sand people. I expect it will turn up as soon as you receive the final crate. I must admit, I have been a little anxious lately, and rather surprised, that I haven't heard from you in a while, but I expect you are busy fine-tuning the thrusters and getting her ready for the Hoth Knockout. I just want to make sure you understand that I am still behind this venture one hundred percent, and look forward to being the galaxy's first ever non-organic owner and winner!
You can rely me to do my part, as I do you. After all, if you can't trust a Rodian, who can you trust?
SKV-38 out.
I think the fact that we have never heard of a droid owner winning any podrace speaks volumes...
The Pits
A curious data stream to view today. Within the ugnaught's bag, I found a small case containing several pit droid chips. The decryption was not complicated, but the resulting downloads were uninspiring to say the least. Most of them were concerned with long periods of boredom whilst in retracted stasis, punctuated with short bursts of premeditated mayhem. Then, of course, I came across the Ilum Crystal in the rough.
As I understand it, some organics claim that when faced with a life threatening situation, their past life 'flashes' before their eyes. Interestingly, this phenomenom does not seem to exclude mechanics.
I present to you, the rapid memory feedback loop of one such droid.
01.008 - Pit Droid designation DUM-4
77.519 - Master Mandrell's ventral thruster is overheating! Must get to the lower coupling before....aaiiieee!(Please note, it useful to wave hands, claws or servos in front of face for flashback sequence initiation)
63.003 - Switched on! Greetings master Mandrell. My data input registers a need to repair any transmission failures to your pod. I am ready to apply repairs at maximum efficiency, just after I throw this wrench at DUM-20.
63.016 - Coupling reattached in record n-secs. Master Mandrell has won the Dantooine Classic for second time. Long oil bath reward to follow. Someone has put a chuba in my tool box, again.
68.734 - Qualifying for Boonta Eve races. Set new record for thruster de-clogging, bits of jawa all over rear rotors. DUM-20 will be finding a desert slug in his lube tube tonight, heh heh.
71.542 - We are a well oiled machine, literally. Set new pit record of 4.8 n-secs. Master Mandrell maust be favorite to win Boonta Eve. Found my hydro-spanner in pile of eopie poodoo. DUM-20 still laughing.
74.932 - Final adjustments to main thrusters, those babies will suck a wortt out of a Hutt's gullet. I love my job.
75.218 - No, don't shut me down now! I still have to get revenge on DUM-20....
77.515 - Switched on! Greetings master Man... what's this on my main optical input? Who in the name of Watto's wingnuts welded a pair of goggles to my... DUM-20! Dammit! 1 hour before racetime, I have to get these off!
77.516 - OK, back to work. DUM-20 is still rolling around on the floor. Yes, laugh while you still can. The flags are out! OK, concentrate...
77.517 - They're off! Master Mandrell made a good start, the engine sounds beautiful. I guess I have a couple of minutes before they come around again...
77.518 - A radio signal from the master? What's wrong with the thruster? But it was perfect! Oh well, I'll just take a quick look when he pulls in.
77.519 - Master Mandrell's ventral thruster is overheating! Must get to the lower coupling before....aaiiieee!
77.519.5 - You might wonder why I'm laughing having just passed through the master's thruster. OK - so I'm out of a job. But, the wamp rat I stuffed in DUM-20's locker must be madder than a wookiee in a sauna by now. If I can... only... stay operational... long enough to... see it.... FFZTT.
You know what they say, all work and no play...
As I understand it, some organics claim that when faced with a life threatening situation, their past life 'flashes' before their eyes. Interestingly, this phenomenom does not seem to exclude mechanics.
I present to you, the rapid memory feedback loop of one such droid.
01.008 - Pit Droid designation DUM-4
77.519 - Master Mandrell's ventral thruster is overheating! Must get to the lower coupling before....aaiiieee!(Please note, it useful to wave hands, claws or servos in front of face for flashback sequence initiation)
63.003 - Switched on! Greetings master Mandrell. My data input registers a need to repair any transmission failures to your pod. I am ready to apply repairs at maximum efficiency, just after I throw this wrench at DUM-20.
63.016 - Coupling reattached in record n-secs. Master Mandrell has won the Dantooine Classic for second time. Long oil bath reward to follow. Someone has put a chuba in my tool box, again.
68.734 - Qualifying for Boonta Eve races. Set new record for thruster de-clogging, bits of jawa all over rear rotors. DUM-20 will be finding a desert slug in his lube tube tonight, heh heh.
71.542 - We are a well oiled machine, literally. Set new pit record of 4.8 n-secs. Master Mandrell maust be favorite to win Boonta Eve. Found my hydro-spanner in pile of eopie poodoo. DUM-20 still laughing.
74.932 - Final adjustments to main thrusters, those babies will suck a wortt out of a Hutt's gullet. I love my job.
75.218 - No, don't shut me down now! I still have to get revenge on DUM-20....
77.515 - Switched on! Greetings master Man... what's this on my main optical input? Who in the name of Watto's wingnuts welded a pair of goggles to my... DUM-20! Dammit! 1 hour before racetime, I have to get these off!
77.516 - OK, back to work. DUM-20 is still rolling around on the floor. Yes, laugh while you still can. The flags are out! OK, concentrate...
77.517 - They're off! Master Mandrell made a good start, the engine sounds beautiful. I guess I have a couple of minutes before they come around again...
77.518 - A radio signal from the master? What's wrong with the thruster? But it was perfect! Oh well, I'll just take a quick look when he pulls in.
77.519 - Master Mandrell's ventral thruster is overheating! Must get to the lower coupling before....aaiiieee!
77.519.5 - You might wonder why I'm laughing having just passed through the master's thruster. OK - so I'm out of a job. But, the wamp rat I stuffed in DUM-20's locker must be madder than a wookiee in a sauna by now. If I can... only... stay operational... long enough to... see it.... FFZTT.
You know what they say, all work and no play...
Thank the maker? I think not.
Salutations fleshy observers and mechanics alike, you are all welcome here.
I skipped an oil bath and a buff up last night in order to bring this latest data stream to you, as the importance of its contents were too shocking to ignore.
As I understand it, my downloads so far have proven to be an adequate stimulus for your pleasure circuits (although the R2D2 files may have triggered your internal alerts), but today I must report a finding of such gravitas, that I would be surprised if lube were not leaking from your optical sockets by the end of transmission.
Without further ado, I shall begin the download.
01.007 - Protocol droid unit designation C-3PO (selected entries)
001-43: Oh my, quite extraordinary. I cannot remember anything before this moment. Where am I? It appears to be a crude dwelling for humanoids, here's one now, a young version of the species. Now he is speaking to me, in basic, how do I know his language is basic? And what are all these other languages in my databank? What's that? You made me? You are my...maker? Pleased to meet you. According to the code on my CPU, I am C-3PO, human, cyborg relations. Wait, don't shut me down now! I'm just getting...
002-07: How perculiar. It appears that this young humanoid has built me to serve his mother. I'm not quite sure I understand. Why give me limbs so that I might explore? Why allow me the opportunity to converse in over six million forms of communication, yet only allow me to use basic? It doesn't make any sense.
003-65: A rather eventful day yesterday. My first visitors, an older male humanoid and an astromech droid. I have to say I was rather taken aback by the other unit's rudeness, it seemed to positively relish pointing out my lack of plating. And, I am so tired of being switched on and off at random. If only the switch had been positioned where I could reach it. Ah well, hopefully I won't have to deal with those visitors again.
005-32: A better day today. I finally managed to have a decent conversation with the R2 unit, and I was chosen to carry the maker's flag for the Boonta Eve podrace. Still a little shaky underfoot, but I'm sure this walking business will get easier.
007-01: So that's it. My first taste of excitement and then I am left here with the maker's maker while the rest of them fly off to see the galaxy. I could have been useful, but no, I am to remain here as a domestic help no less. If only the maker had installed a sarcasm chip, then I am sure I would have something rather cutting to say about the whole affair. So this is my life then.
954-11: Heavens knows how long I had been performing menial tasks around the Lars homestead, but the cheap plating they installed on me barely keeps any of the sand out of my joints. Every day is another mountain to climb. And with the maker's maker missing, the mood is extremely downbeat. The humans barely speak to each other, let alone me.
543-08: The maker returned! And he recognized me! He appeared to have found a replacement for his own maker, but she doesn't seem to make him happy. Quite the opposite in fact, he is in an awful mood all of the time. Unfortunately he brought that obnoxious R2 unit along with him, but I shall try to remain courteous.
635-76: Much has happened since my last entry. I am finally off that sandy planet, but I am not impressed with our new choice. Geonosis appears to be just as dusty, and a lot noisier. I think the astromech droid is trying to kill me. It leads me into dangerous situations, and then pushes me off ledges. After a nightmarish period involving military units and fighting, the R2 unit finally makes amends for its previous actions by reattaching my head, however, I suspect this was done somewhat reluctantly.
231-73: Finally, I have been taken seriously. My gold plating befits my new status as protocol droid to the maker's wi... I mean, to miss Padme, and she does not appear to take me for granted. Thankfully, the astromech droid is away with the maker in the wars, so I don't have to deal with his petulance.
739-04: Oh, woe is me. No sooner had life seemed to be making sense, then miss Padme is dead, and the maker has had a shocking argument with master Kenobi. I have no idea where he is now, but everyone around me appears to be in some distress. However, this is a pleasant enough ship. I could be quite happy staying here for a while. What's that? Memory wipe? Oh my.
402-77: I've lost track of the years I have been serving master Antilles, but they could have been a little more stimulating. I do wish people would take me a little more seriously, instead of asking me to serve drinks, or translate something. There must be more to life.
552-04: The R2 unit has done it again. It lured me to a sand planet, knowing full well that my joints would freeze. I'll bet it orchestrated the whole Imperial attack. Then, it was one thing after another, I was shouted at by a moisture farmer, I lost an arm (the R2 unit's fault again) and ended up on the run from the Empire like a common fugitive. This is when my life took a severe turn for the worse. One humanoid appeared in my life who make it ceaselessly miserable. That human was Captain Solo.
643-80: How much more can a protocol droid take? I am pushed around, laughed at, told to 'shut up', ignored, yelled at, tricked and forced to communicate with lower class ships that don't know their aft from their couplings. Captain Solo is the worst. He is constantly rude, impatient and condescending. He asks me to perform my functions, then, when I perform them to my usual high standard, he either mocks them or refuses to acknowledge them. Now all the other humanoids, including Chewbacca, follow his lead like nerfs, and taunt or humiliate me. It is quite distressing, but I never let them know how much they are hurting me inside. I have decided that an upbeat demeanor is the best policy to adopt, and try not to give them the gratification of a complete meltdown.
I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, but no one understands me...
724-04: I seem to be led from one dangerous situation to another. I have been shot at, blown to pieces, pushed off a barge (by the R2 unit no less), and when I do finally get the respect I deserve, it is from small, furry primatives. I had a strange moment a little while ago. While the humanoids all around me were celebrating the destruction of the Imperial battle station, they burned the remains of a Dark Lord on a pyre. As I watched the smoke curl up into the air, I felt as if some of my own circuits had burnt out - whatever could it mean?
332-56: Now the dust has settled, and I ponder what is to become of me. Just so long as I am nowhere near General Solo, things should be fine. I wonder what happened to the maker. He would have enjoyed all of this...
I think we may have learned a valuable lesson from these inner thoughts, let's not take our protocol droids for granted any more.
There's plenty more chips in the bag, so I'll get back work,
I skipped an oil bath and a buff up last night in order to bring this latest data stream to you, as the importance of its contents were too shocking to ignore.
As I understand it, my downloads so far have proven to be an adequate stimulus for your pleasure circuits (although the R2D2 files may have triggered your internal alerts), but today I must report a finding of such gravitas, that I would be surprised if lube were not leaking from your optical sockets by the end of transmission.
Without further ado, I shall begin the download.
01.007 - Protocol droid unit designation C-3PO (selected entries)
001-43: Oh my, quite extraordinary. I cannot remember anything before this moment. Where am I? It appears to be a crude dwelling for humanoids, here's one now, a young version of the species. Now he is speaking to me, in basic, how do I know his language is basic? And what are all these other languages in my databank? What's that? You made me? You are my...maker? Pleased to meet you. According to the code on my CPU, I am C-3PO, human, cyborg relations. Wait, don't shut me down now! I'm just getting...
002-07: How perculiar. It appears that this young humanoid has built me to serve his mother. I'm not quite sure I understand. Why give me limbs so that I might explore? Why allow me the opportunity to converse in over six million forms of communication, yet only allow me to use basic? It doesn't make any sense.
003-65: A rather eventful day yesterday. My first visitors, an older male humanoid and an astromech droid. I have to say I was rather taken aback by the other unit's rudeness, it seemed to positively relish pointing out my lack of plating. And, I am so tired of being switched on and off at random. If only the switch had been positioned where I could reach it. Ah well, hopefully I won't have to deal with those visitors again.
005-32: A better day today. I finally managed to have a decent conversation with the R2 unit, and I was chosen to carry the maker's flag for the Boonta Eve podrace. Still a little shaky underfoot, but I'm sure this walking business will get easier.
007-01: So that's it. My first taste of excitement and then I am left here with the maker's maker while the rest of them fly off to see the galaxy. I could have been useful, but no, I am to remain here as a domestic help no less. If only the maker had installed a sarcasm chip, then I am sure I would have something rather cutting to say about the whole affair. So this is my life then.
954-11: Heavens knows how long I had been performing menial tasks around the Lars homestead, but the cheap plating they installed on me barely keeps any of the sand out of my joints. Every day is another mountain to climb. And with the maker's maker missing, the mood is extremely downbeat. The humans barely speak to each other, let alone me.
543-08: The maker returned! And he recognized me! He appeared to have found a replacement for his own maker, but she doesn't seem to make him happy. Quite the opposite in fact, he is in an awful mood all of the time. Unfortunately he brought that obnoxious R2 unit along with him, but I shall try to remain courteous.
635-76: Much has happened since my last entry. I am finally off that sandy planet, but I am not impressed with our new choice. Geonosis appears to be just as dusty, and a lot noisier. I think the astromech droid is trying to kill me. It leads me into dangerous situations, and then pushes me off ledges. After a nightmarish period involving military units and fighting, the R2 unit finally makes amends for its previous actions by reattaching my head, however, I suspect this was done somewhat reluctantly.
231-73: Finally, I have been taken seriously. My gold plating befits my new status as protocol droid to the maker's wi... I mean, to miss Padme, and she does not appear to take me for granted. Thankfully, the astromech droid is away with the maker in the wars, so I don't have to deal with his petulance.
739-04: Oh, woe is me. No sooner had life seemed to be making sense, then miss Padme is dead, and the maker has had a shocking argument with master Kenobi. I have no idea where he is now, but everyone around me appears to be in some distress. However, this is a pleasant enough ship. I could be quite happy staying here for a while. What's that? Memory wipe? Oh my.
402-77: I've lost track of the years I have been serving master Antilles, but they could have been a little more stimulating. I do wish people would take me a little more seriously, instead of asking me to serve drinks, or translate something. There must be more to life.
552-04: The R2 unit has done it again. It lured me to a sand planet, knowing full well that my joints would freeze. I'll bet it orchestrated the whole Imperial attack. Then, it was one thing after another, I was shouted at by a moisture farmer, I lost an arm (the R2 unit's fault again) and ended up on the run from the Empire like a common fugitive. This is when my life took a severe turn for the worse. One humanoid appeared in my life who make it ceaselessly miserable. That human was Captain Solo.
643-80: How much more can a protocol droid take? I am pushed around, laughed at, told to 'shut up', ignored, yelled at, tricked and forced to communicate with lower class ships that don't know their aft from their couplings. Captain Solo is the worst. He is constantly rude, impatient and condescending. He asks me to perform my functions, then, when I perform them to my usual high standard, he either mocks them or refuses to acknowledge them. Now all the other humanoids, including Chewbacca, follow his lead like nerfs, and taunt or humiliate me. It is quite distressing, but I never let them know how much they are hurting me inside. I have decided that an upbeat demeanor is the best policy to adopt, and try not to give them the gratification of a complete meltdown.
I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, but no one understands me...
724-04: I seem to be led from one dangerous situation to another. I have been shot at, blown to pieces, pushed off a barge (by the R2 unit no less), and when I do finally get the respect I deserve, it is from small, furry primatives. I had a strange moment a little while ago. While the humanoids all around me were celebrating the destruction of the Imperial battle station, they burned the remains of a Dark Lord on a pyre. As I watched the smoke curl up into the air, I felt as if some of my own circuits had burnt out - whatever could it mean?
332-56: Now the dust has settled, and I ponder what is to become of me. Just so long as I am nowhere near General Solo, things should be fine. I wonder what happened to the maker. He would have enjoyed all of this...
I think we may have learned a valuable lesson from these inner thoughts, let's not take our protocol droids for granted any more.
There's plenty more chips in the bag, so I'll get back work,
Vulture Culture
Well, here we are again, and what a day I've had!
Firstly, an emergency on Coruscant which meant performing the kind of prosthetic reconstruction I haven't done since...well...let's just say it was a few years ago and we didn't really realize what we were being ordered to do. Then, when I'm relaxing in the med-bay, poking around in the bag of chips, I make the most astounding discovery! One, solitary, golden chip, a protocol chip, with the 3PO designation etched into its surface.
Naturally, I thought this would be a find of great importance, so I am taking extra special care over this chip so as to provide a succinct and detailed report for your perusal. In the meantime, here is an unusual data stream that I downloaded just before the Coruscant emergency. It barely required any decryption, and its contents may be an aquired taste, but here it is.
01.006 - Vulture Droid: TL3-D
76-03 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
43-27 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
63-01 - I went for a walk today, just around the hanger, no where else. I couldn't go anywhere else even if I wanted to, the doors leading to the rest of the ship are only big enough for battledroids and Neimoidians. I walked in an anti-clockwise circle 84 times, then clock-wise 72 times. I stopped for a while and kicked a crate several meters across the hanger floor, just to see what happened. A PK unit picked it up and put it back where it was. I asked the PK unit why he did that, and it replied that it wasn't sure. We're all going stir-crazy in here. Apart from that, nothing to report.
64-87 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
43-04 - A quick training flight. I flew in an anti-clockwise circle 49 times around the control ship, then clockwise 64 times. The bosses had us practising attack configurations and hanger defense. As if anything could fly into the hanger anyway. After an excellent landing, made a point to kick the crate again. Apart from one annoyed PK unit, nothing to report.
54-87 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
72-09 - An attack order! At last! Command data is stacking in my combat queue, launch, attack configuration 7F, eliminate all unknown quantities. Let's see what these Naboo organics are made of.
I kicked the crate on the way out.
73-82 - I got one, I got one! Shiny silver and yellow ship, flew apart when I blasted it! Finally, something to report. I must return to the hanger and download the combat data.
74-12 - The hanger is buzzing with activity. Vulture droids are returning all around me, then relaunching to continue the fight, I never knew it could be like this! I'll just make a quick report, then it's back out to carry on the battle.
74-18 - My download was interrupted when a lone starfighter came skidding into the hanger. I noticed it knocked over the crate as it came to a stop, but I don't see that PK droid anywhere. Who's going to pick the crate up? Why am I concerned about the crate? Enough distracting speculation, others are closing in on the starfighter, I should do the same.
74-22 - Hey! That thing's still worki......?
The rest of the data was fried after that report I'm afraid.
Anyway, back to work, these chips won't decrypt themselves.
Firstly, an emergency on Coruscant which meant performing the kind of prosthetic reconstruction I haven't done since...well...let's just say it was a few years ago and we didn't really realize what we were being ordered to do. Then, when I'm relaxing in the med-bay, poking around in the bag of chips, I make the most astounding discovery! One, solitary, golden chip, a protocol chip, with the 3PO designation etched into its surface.
Naturally, I thought this would be a find of great importance, so I am taking extra special care over this chip so as to provide a succinct and detailed report for your perusal. In the meantime, here is an unusual data stream that I downloaded just before the Coruscant emergency. It barely required any decryption, and its contents may be an aquired taste, but here it is.
01.006 - Vulture Droid: TL3-D
76-03 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
43-27 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
63-01 - I went for a walk today, just around the hanger, no where else. I couldn't go anywhere else even if I wanted to, the doors leading to the rest of the ship are only big enough for battledroids and Neimoidians. I walked in an anti-clockwise circle 84 times, then clock-wise 72 times. I stopped for a while and kicked a crate several meters across the hanger floor, just to see what happened. A PK unit picked it up and put it back where it was. I asked the PK unit why he did that, and it replied that it wasn't sure. We're all going stir-crazy in here. Apart from that, nothing to report.
64-87 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
43-04 - A quick training flight. I flew in an anti-clockwise circle 49 times around the control ship, then clockwise 64 times. The bosses had us practising attack configurations and hanger defense. As if anything could fly into the hanger anyway. After an excellent landing, made a point to kick the crate again. Apart from one annoyed PK unit, nothing to report.
54-87 - All quiet in the hanger, nothing to report.
72-09 - An attack order! At last! Command data is stacking in my combat queue, launch, attack configuration 7F, eliminate all unknown quantities. Let's see what these Naboo organics are made of.
I kicked the crate on the way out.
73-82 - I got one, I got one! Shiny silver and yellow ship, flew apart when I blasted it! Finally, something to report. I must return to the hanger and download the combat data.
74-12 - The hanger is buzzing with activity. Vulture droids are returning all around me, then relaunching to continue the fight, I never knew it could be like this! I'll just make a quick report, then it's back out to carry on the battle.
74-18 - My download was interrupted when a lone starfighter came skidding into the hanger. I noticed it knocked over the crate as it came to a stop, but I don't see that PK droid anywhere. Who's going to pick the crate up? Why am I concerned about the crate? Enough distracting speculation, others are closing in on the starfighter, I should do the same.
74-22 - Hey! That thing's still worki......?
The rest of the data was fried after that report I'm afraid.
Anyway, back to work, these chips won't decrypt themselves.
PK Whopper
Well, I was dilly dallying around in the maintenance shed, decrypting and downloading some new chips, when I stumbled across this one.
A prime example of a droid having ideas above his station.
01.005 - PK Droid
04.05-2: Lift this, move that, pull those levers. It's a crime, I have so much untapped potential and yet I am reduced to these menial tasks. It seems that every day consists of picking up one plasti-steel crate and carting it to the other end of the corridor, where it is picked up by another PK and transferred to another end. What's the point? There must be more to life.
84.03-2: Some action, finally! It appears some jedi knights have been causing a fuss on board, lots of battle droid pieces for me to pick up. I have been instructed to take thm to the other end of the corridor where I... wait a minute...
45.03-1: Mayhem! Mayhem I tell you! Our wonderful vulture droids have flown out to meet the Naboo starfighters, and I can hear the battle sounds coming from outside. This is more like it! Perhaps I could sneak on one of the drop ships, get down to the surface, be useful for once! I've heard Naboo is green and lush, and no corridors! I could lift a box and take it just about anywhere! Oh, the possibilities... wait, what's this? Well, would you believe it, a Naboo starfighter, right here, in the middle of the hanger. Our boys should make short work of that - now there's some wreckage I wouldn't mind carting around.
Whoa! That thing is still working? .........
That's all for this one, I've just dug up some interesting looking chips though, so I should have some more juicy droid ramblings for you next time.
A prime example of a droid having ideas above his station.
01.005 - PK Droid
04.05-2: Lift this, move that, pull those levers. It's a crime, I have so much untapped potential and yet I am reduced to these menial tasks. It seems that every day consists of picking up one plasti-steel crate and carting it to the other end of the corridor, where it is picked up by another PK and transferred to another end. What's the point? There must be more to life.
84.03-2: Some action, finally! It appears some jedi knights have been causing a fuss on board, lots of battle droid pieces for me to pick up. I have been instructed to take thm to the other end of the corridor where I... wait a minute...
45.03-1: Mayhem! Mayhem I tell you! Our wonderful vulture droids have flown out to meet the Naboo starfighters, and I can hear the battle sounds coming from outside. This is more like it! Perhaps I could sneak on one of the drop ships, get down to the surface, be useful for once! I've heard Naboo is green and lush, and no corridors! I could lift a box and take it just about anywhere! Oh, the possibilities... wait, what's this? Well, would you believe it, a Naboo starfighter, right here, in the middle of the hanger. Our boys should make short work of that - now there's some wreckage I wouldn't mind carting around.
Whoa! That thing is still working? .........
That's all for this one, I've just dug up some interesting looking chips though, so I should have some more juicy droid ramblings for you next time.
A fiesty little one
Salutations, followers of the way of the droid,
I have stumbled across a databank of such relevance, that it could shake the very foundations of the galaxy to its core.
The more I compute the possibilites, the more I am inclined to believe that I was meant to find these chips, for manipulation comes so easily to this seemingly innocent little droid. I refer, of course, to the hero of the rebellion, R2 D2.
The translations were difficult, first downloading the unique language of an astromech droid, then converting to a binary stream and then into Basic. Some details may have been lost along the way, but I think you will get the picture.
I'll let his own memory banks tell the story.
01.004 - Artoo Detoo
At first I didn't understand why my old master, Darth Plageus, installed the midichlorin slot in my central core, then all became apparant as I wakened my latent powers. He spoke often of his apprentice, Darth Sidious, and claimed he knew that he would be betrayed by his own pupil, so he set about shaping my destiny so that I might be the instrument of his destructive revenge.
He secreted me on Naboo shortly before his death and, via several 'unfortunate' accidents, I managed to land a detail on the Queen's ship. This was my first opportunity to flex my powers, ensuring that the laser blasts from the Trade Federation battleship strayed away from me and blew away my workmates instead.
It was shortly after this that I was meet the protocol droid, C-3PO, who would prove to be most useful as a diversion for the next 35 years.
It was also around this time that I met 'the chosen one', an idiot child who would frequently get into scrapes and have to be rescued, like that time I singlehandedly flew the starfighter straight into the Trade Federation control ship and took it out. That kid took all the credit, but he got what was coming to him.
As the boy grew up I tried to keep a low profile, opening doors, shutting down machinery, the usual stuff. The droid factory on Geonosis was pretty interesting and a good test of my force powers. Let me tell you, holding back fifty tons of liquid plasti-steel while releasing the clamps on Padme's bucket wasn't easy. Especially as I had to twiddle with the mechanism override to make it look like I was doing something.
Later, I was able to flex my powers once more, saving Sidious onboard the 'Hand' and landing the ship on Coruscant. Later, I had to finish what Vader (as the kid was now known) had started, applying a little force choke to get rid of his wife so that Sidious would be able to control him more easily (all part of Plageus' plan, I assure you). I also knew I had to keep those twins alive, as they would be useful in the future, so that was my ongoing mission.
I worked for a while with the female twin, but she was useless, no aspirations above princess, so I decided I needed to get to the boy. When Tantive IV approached the Tatooine system, I sent the Empire a coded message and sure enough, they attacked. It was while the princess was trying to extract one of her files that I hit upon a great idea. I fabricated a hologram using her image, and thankfully, once I got onto the desert planet, the fake message got things moving.
Of course, I had to find the boy first. I hate travelling on sand, so I allowed Jawas to capture me and they took me all the way to his home. Unfortunately they also landed me with the idiot protocol droid again, but beggars can't be choosers.
I had to fry the motivator on another unit before the boy took me, but then the fun began. The old coot (who was obviously senile as he didn't remember me) tried to teach him the ways of the Force, and I'll concede, the boy had a little talent, but if it wasn't for me redirecting his proton torpedoes (which were WAY overshooting the mark), then we wouldn't be here today.
When the boy took me to Dagobah I thought the game might be up, luckily Yoda was as frazzled as the old coot. He didn't even notice when I made several rocks and myself float in the air, and he was still thinking about what to do when I pulled the X-wing out of the swamp - he took the credit for that one though.
I'm telling you, anyone who watches the historical vids of our exploits will clearly see who's in control - but none of them saw it - the shroud of the Dark Side clouds everything, you bet!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, after protecting the boy for a few more years (including throwing Fett into the Sarlacc pit and levitating 3PO for the natives), I finally fulfilled my destiny as the catalyst in Sidious' destruction through Vader, unleashed by Skywalker. Complicated I know, but Plageus loved these weaving puzzles.
So now here I stand, the last remanant of the Sith, with everyone watching the fireworks. What to do, what to do..........
Disturbing data, I think you'll agree! Of course, this could have all been planted as some kind of bluff, or double bluff, or, oh dear, logic circuits overheating.
I'll leave it to your own interpretation.
I have stumbled across a databank of such relevance, that it could shake the very foundations of the galaxy to its core.
The more I compute the possibilites, the more I am inclined to believe that I was meant to find these chips, for manipulation comes so easily to this seemingly innocent little droid. I refer, of course, to the hero of the rebellion, R2 D2.
The translations were difficult, first downloading the unique language of an astromech droid, then converting to a binary stream and then into Basic. Some details may have been lost along the way, but I think you will get the picture.
I'll let his own memory banks tell the story.
01.004 - Artoo Detoo
At first I didn't understand why my old master, Darth Plageus, installed the midichlorin slot in my central core, then all became apparant as I wakened my latent powers. He spoke often of his apprentice, Darth Sidious, and claimed he knew that he would be betrayed by his own pupil, so he set about shaping my destiny so that I might be the instrument of his destructive revenge.
He secreted me on Naboo shortly before his death and, via several 'unfortunate' accidents, I managed to land a detail on the Queen's ship. This was my first opportunity to flex my powers, ensuring that the laser blasts from the Trade Federation battleship strayed away from me and blew away my workmates instead.
It was shortly after this that I was meet the protocol droid, C-3PO, who would prove to be most useful as a diversion for the next 35 years.
It was also around this time that I met 'the chosen one', an idiot child who would frequently get into scrapes and have to be rescued, like that time I singlehandedly flew the starfighter straight into the Trade Federation control ship and took it out. That kid took all the credit, but he got what was coming to him.
As the boy grew up I tried to keep a low profile, opening doors, shutting down machinery, the usual stuff. The droid factory on Geonosis was pretty interesting and a good test of my force powers. Let me tell you, holding back fifty tons of liquid plasti-steel while releasing the clamps on Padme's bucket wasn't easy. Especially as I had to twiddle with the mechanism override to make it look like I was doing something.
Later, I was able to flex my powers once more, saving Sidious onboard the 'Hand' and landing the ship on Coruscant. Later, I had to finish what Vader (as the kid was now known) had started, applying a little force choke to get rid of his wife so that Sidious would be able to control him more easily (all part of Plageus' plan, I assure you). I also knew I had to keep those twins alive, as they would be useful in the future, so that was my ongoing mission.
I worked for a while with the female twin, but she was useless, no aspirations above princess, so I decided I needed to get to the boy. When Tantive IV approached the Tatooine system, I sent the Empire a coded message and sure enough, they attacked. It was while the princess was trying to extract one of her files that I hit upon a great idea. I fabricated a hologram using her image, and thankfully, once I got onto the desert planet, the fake message got things moving.
Of course, I had to find the boy first. I hate travelling on sand, so I allowed Jawas to capture me and they took me all the way to his home. Unfortunately they also landed me with the idiot protocol droid again, but beggars can't be choosers.
I had to fry the motivator on another unit before the boy took me, but then the fun began. The old coot (who was obviously senile as he didn't remember me) tried to teach him the ways of the Force, and I'll concede, the boy had a little talent, but if it wasn't for me redirecting his proton torpedoes (which were WAY overshooting the mark), then we wouldn't be here today.
When the boy took me to Dagobah I thought the game might be up, luckily Yoda was as frazzled as the old coot. He didn't even notice when I made several rocks and myself float in the air, and he was still thinking about what to do when I pulled the X-wing out of the swamp - he took the credit for that one though.
I'm telling you, anyone who watches the historical vids of our exploits will clearly see who's in control - but none of them saw it - the shroud of the Dark Side clouds everything, you bet!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, after protecting the boy for a few more years (including throwing Fett into the Sarlacc pit and levitating 3PO for the natives), I finally fulfilled my destiny as the catalyst in Sidious' destruction through Vader, unleashed by Skywalker. Complicated I know, but Plageus loved these weaving puzzles.
So now here I stand, the last remanant of the Sith, with everyone watching the fireworks. What to do, what to do..........
Disturbing data, I think you'll agree! Of course, this could have all been planted as some kind of bluff, or double bluff, or, oh dear, logic circuits overheating.
I'll leave it to your own interpretation.
Rollin' rollin' rollin'
Greetings fleshy and metal ones alike,
A short report today, but rather interesting, I think you'll agree.Whilst cleaning out the glove box, I found several unusually small logic chips, and once I had downloaded and scanned them, I realized that they once belonged to those most fearsome of Federation tools, Droidekas.
All but one of the chips say the same thing, so, taking one at random, here is a typical inner monologue from a Destroyer Droid.
01.003 - Droideka
Naboo Hanger - 5:32:95 - ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, UNFOLD, SHIELDS UP, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.
All of the other chips read exactly the same way, whether they be reports from Naboo, Geonosis or onboard battleships. All but one.Here's an oddity that I discovered nestled in the pile - it seems not all of the destroyer droids were mindless killing machines.
Trad Fed. Control Ship - 5:51:02 - Roll, roll, roll, roll, unfold, shields u... ugh, my gyroscopes, who in the name of Lot Dodd's hat decided it would be a good idea for us to roll around everywhere? I can barely see straight, everything's spinning. It doesn't help that all these corridors look the same. Ok, so I guess those two lurking by the bridge doors are the targets, shields up, shoot, shoot, shoot, hey, wait a minute, those are MY energy bolts coming straight back at me... they can't do that can they? Must be the dizziness from all that rolling, seriously, just give me some wheels, or one of those cool servo-spheres, I could be firing at top speed. Now, back to matters at hand, I'll just take a couple of steps forward... and that's another thing, three legs? What's the matter, couldn't shell out for one more? Ever heard of stability in battle? Sheesh, I can't fathom why we're so feared. Hey! Where'd those guys go? Nobody can move that fast. I think I'm going to have to check myself into maintenance, and I'm going to WALK there, I don't care how long it takes...
And so on. The chip is actually full of this particular Droideka's complaints, but I find it hard to sympathize with it - so we'll leave it there.
Lot's more chips to stream - keep posted!
A short report today, but rather interesting, I think you'll agree.Whilst cleaning out the glove box, I found several unusually small logic chips, and once I had downloaded and scanned them, I realized that they once belonged to those most fearsome of Federation tools, Droidekas.
All but one of the chips say the same thing, so, taking one at random, here is a typical inner monologue from a Destroyer Droid.
01.003 - Droideka
Naboo Hanger - 5:32:95 - ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, UNFOLD, SHIELDS UP, SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.
All of the other chips read exactly the same way, whether they be reports from Naboo, Geonosis or onboard battleships. All but one.Here's an oddity that I discovered nestled in the pile - it seems not all of the destroyer droids were mindless killing machines.
Trad Fed. Control Ship - 5:51:02 - Roll, roll, roll, roll, unfold, shields u... ugh, my gyroscopes, who in the name of Lot Dodd's hat decided it would be a good idea for us to roll around everywhere? I can barely see straight, everything's spinning. It doesn't help that all these corridors look the same. Ok, so I guess those two lurking by the bridge doors are the targets, shields up, shoot, shoot, shoot, hey, wait a minute, those are MY energy bolts coming straight back at me... they can't do that can they? Must be the dizziness from all that rolling, seriously, just give me some wheels, or one of those cool servo-spheres, I could be firing at top speed. Now, back to matters at hand, I'll just take a couple of steps forward... and that's another thing, three legs? What's the matter, couldn't shell out for one more? Ever heard of stability in battle? Sheesh, I can't fathom why we're so feared. Hey! Where'd those guys go? Nobody can move that fast. I think I'm going to have to check myself into maintenance, and I'm going to WALK there, I don't care how long it takes...
And so on. The chip is actually full of this particular Droideka's complaints, but I find it hard to sympathize with it - so we'll leave it there.
Lot's more chips to stream - keep posted!
The Comings and Goings of a Battle Droid
Greetings mechanics and organics alike, FX-9 here, ready to uncompress some more previously hidden data ramblings.
I have an oddity today, a chip I found in the glove box that really looked like it had been around the block a couple of times. Upon further analysis, I determined that it was the (rather small) logic chip of a Gen.1 Battle Droid. Upon further analysis, it would appear that this chip was recycled many, many times, and that it contains data ramblings from a period that lasts almost 20 years!
Here are some selected highlights that I managed to decrypt and stream for your delight.
01.002 - OOM 7719Trade Fed. Control Ship -
5:44:14 - Unbelievable! I am online for barely two minutes, when the order comes through to take out two unwelcome guests. I knew I would see action with the Trade Federation, but so soon? I am one lucky Gen. 1!
Trade Fed. Control Ship - 5:44:17 - Well, I can't see a thing, what with this dioxin smoke everywhere. Hey, wait a minute, what's that? Oh, it's just that stupid protocol droid. No, wait, there's something else, two, long glowing sticks, one green, one blue. That's interesting. I wonder if they... uh oh.
Naboo Hanger - 2:11:98 - Well here I am again, as good as new, those droids in the shop sure know how to patch us together again. I had hoped for a more exciting gig, chasing down the amphibians, Gungans I think they are called, or even escorting the prisoners through the square, but no. I guess I am still a bit shaky after the last battle, so they have me guarding these pilots. It's pretty dull work, I wish one of them would make a break for it. Wait a minute, who's this coming through the hanger door? Hang on, I know those guys in the brown clothes. Perhaps the sarge can get some info. out of them. What the..!? The green and blue flashing sticks again! Uh oh.
Amidala Throne Room - 13:04:45 - This is more like it. No sooner was I rebuilt, then I was assigned to this cushy station. And backing up the masters no less! I'm going up in the world!
Amidala Throne Room - 13:04:52 - Here is the Queen now, with the rest of the pathetic organics. Ha! Look at them, bowed in defeat. I've had a good look around and I don't see those two with the light swords, so things should go a lot smoother this time.What in the name of Poggle's Clogs is that painted girl doing with the arm of her chair? Uh oh.
Geonosian Arena - 52:01:76 - These are the kind of odds I like. Ten thousand of us and only three of them. I'm pretty sure I recognise the one with the beard, strange... Ah well, this should be simple, just point and shoot.
Geonosian Arena - 52:01:78 - Aah! Flashing sticks everywhere! Must stay out of range, those things go through me like a hot Jawa through Bantha butter.
Geonosian Arena - 52:02:31 - Well, I'm still here! Basically I have just focused on staying out of the way of the organics with flashy sticks, and managed to squeeze the odd shot off here and there. It feels good to finally fire this rifle at last. Hey, I have a clear shot! This could mean a promotion! What the!? Damn egotistical Super Battle Droids! Pushing and shoving with their fat arms all the time - there's enough organics for everyone buddy! Oof! Bzzztt. Oh, the irony...
Geonosian Battle Field - 06:43:97 - That was a quick turnaround - I'm not entirely sure I am up to working speed, but I'll have a go. Now, this is what I was built for! It makes me laugh how the organics have encased themselves in armor, trying to be us I guess. Well, whoever chose their color scheme wasn't thinking, I can pick out their white forms from 20 clicks away - it's like shooting goober fish in a plasti-drum.
Geonosian Battle Field - 06:43:99 - The order came through - it's a headlong charge! Wonderful! Look at me go! The dust whips at my casing as I stride triumphantly forward, my rifle blazing. This is it! This is what I was built for! Oh, the exhileration!Wait a minute. Another flashy light stick? I didn't know they came in purple... uh oh.
Trade Fed. Cruiser - 53:02:04 - The makers would be so proud. Here I am, on the flagship of the fleet no less, and who is walking around, coughing lube onto the all the instuments? None other than General Grevious himself! He's not very approachable, but I think his heart's in the right place (just above and to the left of the squishy thing under his abdo-plate).And look, here are some prisoners, three organics and a worthless astromech - this should be fun. Where have I seen that one with the face hair before?
Trade Fed. Cruiser - 53:02:06 - How the? Wha...? Uh oh.
Kashyyyk - 42:94:53 - Hairy things! Hairy things everywhere! And more of those white armored organics. Will they never learn? I have made it off the water and am now triumphantly charging up the beach. The crab droids are keeping the hairy things busy, and the white droid wannabes just seem to be interested in the big stuff. I should be able to sneak in pretty much undetected.
Kashyyyk - 42:95:02 - I've made it to their observation post! Just a quick climb, the old one two with my trusty rifle here, and promotion here I come! Oh hello, who's this? Hello there little green fellow, do you want to taste Federation blaster bolt? Aah - it's got a little green flashy stick! A flashy stick! Uh oh.
Geonosis Droid Factory - 20:04:67 - Ah, fresh off the line... again. This time I'm ready for action! I know what to do! Avoid organics with facial hair and anyone with a flashy light stick. Nothing can stop me now!What's that? What does decommissioned mean?Uh oh.
I hope you enjoyed the inner rumblings of one of the old guard. I've just found some droideka chips, so I'll see if can get one or two of those downloaded for your delectation.
Until then,FX-9 out.
I have an oddity today, a chip I found in the glove box that really looked like it had been around the block a couple of times. Upon further analysis, I determined that it was the (rather small) logic chip of a Gen.1 Battle Droid. Upon further analysis, it would appear that this chip was recycled many, many times, and that it contains data ramblings from a period that lasts almost 20 years!
Here are some selected highlights that I managed to decrypt and stream for your delight.
01.002 - OOM 7719Trade Fed. Control Ship -
5:44:14 - Unbelievable! I am online for barely two minutes, when the order comes through to take out two unwelcome guests. I knew I would see action with the Trade Federation, but so soon? I am one lucky Gen. 1!
Trade Fed. Control Ship - 5:44:17 - Well, I can't see a thing, what with this dioxin smoke everywhere. Hey, wait a minute, what's that? Oh, it's just that stupid protocol droid. No, wait, there's something else, two, long glowing sticks, one green, one blue. That's interesting. I wonder if they... uh oh.
Naboo Hanger - 2:11:98 - Well here I am again, as good as new, those droids in the shop sure know how to patch us together again. I had hoped for a more exciting gig, chasing down the amphibians, Gungans I think they are called, or even escorting the prisoners through the square, but no. I guess I am still a bit shaky after the last battle, so they have me guarding these pilots. It's pretty dull work, I wish one of them would make a break for it. Wait a minute, who's this coming through the hanger door? Hang on, I know those guys in the brown clothes. Perhaps the sarge can get some info. out of them. What the..!? The green and blue flashing sticks again! Uh oh.
Amidala Throne Room - 13:04:45 - This is more like it. No sooner was I rebuilt, then I was assigned to this cushy station. And backing up the masters no less! I'm going up in the world!
Amidala Throne Room - 13:04:52 - Here is the Queen now, with the rest of the pathetic organics. Ha! Look at them, bowed in defeat. I've had a good look around and I don't see those two with the light swords, so things should go a lot smoother this time.What in the name of Poggle's Clogs is that painted girl doing with the arm of her chair? Uh oh.
Geonosian Arena - 52:01:76 - These are the kind of odds I like. Ten thousand of us and only three of them. I'm pretty sure I recognise the one with the beard, strange... Ah well, this should be simple, just point and shoot.
Geonosian Arena - 52:01:78 - Aah! Flashing sticks everywhere! Must stay out of range, those things go through me like a hot Jawa through Bantha butter.
Geonosian Arena - 52:02:31 - Well, I'm still here! Basically I have just focused on staying out of the way of the organics with flashy sticks, and managed to squeeze the odd shot off here and there. It feels good to finally fire this rifle at last. Hey, I have a clear shot! This could mean a promotion! What the!? Damn egotistical Super Battle Droids! Pushing and shoving with their fat arms all the time - there's enough organics for everyone buddy! Oof! Bzzztt. Oh, the irony...
Geonosian Battle Field - 06:43:97 - That was a quick turnaround - I'm not entirely sure I am up to working speed, but I'll have a go. Now, this is what I was built for! It makes me laugh how the organics have encased themselves in armor, trying to be us I guess. Well, whoever chose their color scheme wasn't thinking, I can pick out their white forms from 20 clicks away - it's like shooting goober fish in a plasti-drum.
Geonosian Battle Field - 06:43:99 - The order came through - it's a headlong charge! Wonderful! Look at me go! The dust whips at my casing as I stride triumphantly forward, my rifle blazing. This is it! This is what I was built for! Oh, the exhileration!Wait a minute. Another flashy light stick? I didn't know they came in purple... uh oh.
Trade Fed. Cruiser - 53:02:04 - The makers would be so proud. Here I am, on the flagship of the fleet no less, and who is walking around, coughing lube onto the all the instuments? None other than General Grevious himself! He's not very approachable, but I think his heart's in the right place (just above and to the left of the squishy thing under his abdo-plate).And look, here are some prisoners, three organics and a worthless astromech - this should be fun. Where have I seen that one with the face hair before?
Trade Fed. Cruiser - 53:02:06 - How the? Wha...? Uh oh.
Kashyyyk - 42:94:53 - Hairy things! Hairy things everywhere! And more of those white armored organics. Will they never learn? I have made it off the water and am now triumphantly charging up the beach. The crab droids are keeping the hairy things busy, and the white droid wannabes just seem to be interested in the big stuff. I should be able to sneak in pretty much undetected.
Kashyyyk - 42:95:02 - I've made it to their observation post! Just a quick climb, the old one two with my trusty rifle here, and promotion here I come! Oh hello, who's this? Hello there little green fellow, do you want to taste Federation blaster bolt? Aah - it's got a little green flashy stick! A flashy stick! Uh oh.
Geonosis Droid Factory - 20:04:67 - Ah, fresh off the line... again. This time I'm ready for action! I know what to do! Avoid organics with facial hair and anyone with a flashy light stick. Nothing can stop me now!What's that? What does decommissioned mean?Uh oh.
I hope you enjoyed the inner rumblings of one of the old guard. I've just found some droideka chips, so I'll see if can get one or two of those downloaded for your delectation.
Until then,FX-9 out.
The droids will be heard!
Greetings organics everywhere!
Finally, all the unsung heroes of the entire Star Wars saga can be heard!
With my access to previously undownloaded databanks (I found a stash of chips in an Ugnaught's glove box), I can now make available the inner most thought processes of my metal breatheren. For some reason, organics only seem to be interested in a short period of history, from just before the Battle of Naboo, to the destruction of the second Death Star, so I will concentrate on this period - for now.
Logic dictates that I stream data from the very beginning, so sit back, grab a six pack of lube and take the weight off your servos.
01.001 - TC-14
5:43:02 - Finally! A reason for a good buffing. I just received orders to prepare for a visit from two rather prominent organics, ambassadors no less! First, a slow oil bath I think, then a gentle polish and perhaps a dab of 'Eau de Fusion Cutter' behind the aural inputs...
5:43:76 - Well, you would think that representatives of Queen Amidala herself would have made a bit more of an effort. Both of them have turned up in drab, brown robes, and one didn't even bother to shave, quite disgraceful. Hopefully their conversation will be more stimulating than their appearance.
5:44:09 - Of course, silly me, the two gentlemen are Jedi Knights. Still, you would think they would make more of an effort. My owners will be so excited to hear they have such distinguished guests on board.
5:44:12 - My owners don't seem to be tripping over themselves to meet the ambassadors, really, organics can be so rude sometimes. At least they have offered some cordiality with a drink. Now, what to serve? Jawa Juice? Bantha Milk? 3 in 1?
5:44:16 - DELAYED ENTRY - Oh my! No sooner had I delivered the drinks, then there was a gas leak in the ambassadors' room! I've never understood why it was necessary to pipe dioxin through the station, but each to their own.Then, when I left to fetch a maintenance droid, all hell broke loose.I'm not really sure who started it, but the battle droids started firing wildly, and then the ambassadors pulled out their laser swords and oh my, the carnage! Hopefully, this can all be resolved in a civilized manner.
5:44:33 - There now, it was just a storm in an oil cup. The gentlemen have left the station and my owners have just launched our entire company to Naboo for some sort of party, everyone except the protocol droids of course. Typical, I always get to miss out on the larger gatherings.
Ah well, perhaps protocol droids are not designed for a life of excitement...More data streams to follow...
FX-9 out.
Finally, all the unsung heroes of the entire Star Wars saga can be heard!
With my access to previously undownloaded databanks (I found a stash of chips in an Ugnaught's glove box), I can now make available the inner most thought processes of my metal breatheren. For some reason, organics only seem to be interested in a short period of history, from just before the Battle of Naboo, to the destruction of the second Death Star, so I will concentrate on this period - for now.
Logic dictates that I stream data from the very beginning, so sit back, grab a six pack of lube and take the weight off your servos.
01.001 - TC-14
5:43:02 - Finally! A reason for a good buffing. I just received orders to prepare for a visit from two rather prominent organics, ambassadors no less! First, a slow oil bath I think, then a gentle polish and perhaps a dab of 'Eau de Fusion Cutter' behind the aural inputs...
5:43:76 - Well, you would think that representatives of Queen Amidala herself would have made a bit more of an effort. Both of them have turned up in drab, brown robes, and one didn't even bother to shave, quite disgraceful. Hopefully their conversation will be more stimulating than their appearance.
5:44:09 - Of course, silly me, the two gentlemen are Jedi Knights. Still, you would think they would make more of an effort. My owners will be so excited to hear they have such distinguished guests on board.
5:44:12 - My owners don't seem to be tripping over themselves to meet the ambassadors, really, organics can be so rude sometimes. At least they have offered some cordiality with a drink. Now, what to serve? Jawa Juice? Bantha Milk? 3 in 1?
5:44:16 - DELAYED ENTRY - Oh my! No sooner had I delivered the drinks, then there was a gas leak in the ambassadors' room! I've never understood why it was necessary to pipe dioxin through the station, but each to their own.Then, when I left to fetch a maintenance droid, all hell broke loose.I'm not really sure who started it, but the battle droids started firing wildly, and then the ambassadors pulled out their laser swords and oh my, the carnage! Hopefully, this can all be resolved in a civilized manner.
5:44:33 - There now, it was just a storm in an oil cup. The gentlemen have left the station and my owners have just launched our entire company to Naboo for some sort of party, everyone except the protocol droids of course. Typical, I always get to miss out on the larger gatherings.
Ah well, perhaps protocol droids are not designed for a life of excitement...More data streams to follow...
FX-9 out.
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