Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Someone to watch over me.

Journal Entry 35/b-0.3

Well, the kid has just been born, and it appears Master Plagueis had one more ace up his sleeve.
Not only is there a son of Skywalker, but also a back up unit, a girl.
Always good to have insurance.
Just 20 more years before phase 2 of the plan can take effect, first I have one last thing to do… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

It’s not been easy keeping this girl alive, but it was imperative that she remained healthy and fertile long enough for Skywalker to sire the catalyst of Palpatine’s destruction.
It hasn’t been easy.

I remember during the Battle of Naboo, I had intended staying by her side, blowing the circuits of any droids that came near her, even ready to take on that petulant oaf, Maul, if needed.
I just made one mistake, rolling a little too close to the underbelly of an N-1 starfighter. Still, I made the best of a bad situation and managed to take out the Neimoidian control ship, so no harm done there.
The girl survived too, so I was back on track.

A few years later, things got a little tougher. It seemed like everyone was out to get her and Dooku’s meddling nearly messed everything up. I guess I got complacent. My security sweeps of her bedroom were standard to say the least, but I should have picked up on the two Kouhun lifeforms. I couldn’t afford to be so sloppy.

After a dull couple of days on Naboo (sithspawn, how I hate that planet), the girl’s impetuousness took us first to Tatooine where I had to put up with that insufferable protocol droid again, and then on to Geonosis. Now I had my work cut out for me.

Honestly, if there were a trap or a dead end, that girl would walk straight into it.
I managed to manipulate the timing of the die cutting presses so that she could take her little jaunt along the conveyor belt, but when she fell into the smelting pot I had a good mind to leave her there. I arrived at the smelting controls with plenty of time to spare, but took my time shutting them down, toying with her a while. Hopefully that’ll teach her a lesson.

Shortly after her capture I made myself scarce, staying in the shadows and affecting minds so that nobody saw me. I let the 3PO unit dig his own grave in the droid plant, and hoped that would be the end of him.
I watched from a spire as the girl and the two Jedi were strung up, and formulated a plan to get them out of there. I had already sent a message to the Jedi Council with coordinates to the arena, and as I scanned the audience I could see Jedi slowly infiltrating the onlookers.
As much as the promise of bloodshed excited me, my priority was keeping the girl and the chosen one alive, just long enough for them to procreate.

When the creatures arrived I could see this would be a push-over, and I used a force grip to hold the nexu back while the girl could regain her footing atop the column. Her puny attempt to kick it would not suffice, so I crushed its lungs as she hit it, then held it in place, steering the reek into its path. Easy.

The ensuing battle in the arena was a mess of bug parts and lightsabers, but I managed to keep her shielded long enough for the evacuation.

A sudden thought hit me, and I reconstructed the 3PO unit.
He could come in useful later.

During the Clone Wars I was inevitably stuck on Skywalker’s ship, but the girl didn’t seem to be in any real danger. Also, the reprogramming I had surreptitiously carried out on the 3PO unit meant that every drink or meal he served her was laced with fertility drugs. I wasn’t taking any chances.

Finally, the bringer of vengeance (and his sister) were conceived and all I had to do was make sure the girl stayed healthy. Palpatine was busy turning Skywalker to the dark side, without a clue that he was determining his own fate, the fool.
I had to make sure that Skywalker would become the twisted monster that was needed to destroy his own dark master so I clouded his mind, made him believe that his wife was unfaithful, forced him to choke her. As he and Kenobi went off to play I kept the girl alive. I could sense the younglings in her were strong with the force, and had to ensure they were born without compliation.

As soon as Kenobi returned (having left Skywalker alive, thankfully) I guided us all to Polis Massa, and there witnessed the birth of the end of Palpatine. A most touching moment.

Which brings me back to the beginning. Just one more task to carry out before I can rest for a while.

The girl cannot be allowed to survive.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Love and Rocks

04.004 – C-3PO – Protocol Droid

3A/9.2 – Dear DataStream,

I really do not understand humans.
A short time before that unfortunate business on Hoth, Princess Leia added a secondary function to my databanks, and I am truly experiencing some difficulty in carrying it out.
Actually, it was all rather embarrassing. She asked me to sit down with her, and then she confided in me for an extended amount of time, describing her emotional conflicts with regard to Master Luke and that insufferable Captain Solo. She also appears to carry the burden of protecting the Rebellion on her own shoulders, and I assume that my discretion circuit means that she feels comfortable imparting this personal information to me.

The nature of the secondary function is rather vague though, and I am having a hard time processing it.
Princess Leia claims that her emotional feelings for Master Luke or Captain Solo could cloud her judgment with regard to the fight against the Empire, so she has instructed me to surreptitiously observe her, and to do everything in my power to obstruct any potentially ‘romantic entanglements’.
I shall do my best.

3A/11.6 – Dear DataStream,

Oh calamity!
In an effort to outrun Imperial Star Destroyers, Captain Solo has gone and done something rather rash. We are now residing inside an asteroid!
Has Captain Solo finally gone mad?
Just now he commanded me to speak to the Millennium Falcon’s computer, to try to ascertain the problem with the hyperdrive systems. This barbaric computer wouldn’t know a flux capacitor from a repulsor bed, but I am trying my best.

Now Chewbacca is pushing me away from the cockpit, oh my! Princess Leia is alone with Captain Solo in there! If I boost my audio receptors, maybe I can…

***Let go, please***

Oh dear.

***Don’t get excited***

Oh, what’s happening in there?

***Captain, being held by you isn’t quite enough to get me excited***

That’s right, you tell him.

***Sorry, sweetheart. We haven’t got time for anything else***

Sweetheart? Accessing basic thesaurus… sweetheart, darling, dream girl, lover… oh my!

Ah, here is Captain Solo now. That was a close one.
What’s that? Yes, Captain, I am trying to speak to this system of yours!

3A/14.8 – Dear DataStream,

Well, I have located the source of the problem with the Millennium Falcon, I believe the power coupling on the negative axis has been polarized, it will need replacing. I must tell Captain Solo.

Typical! Captain Solo once again takes the credit for my deduction and has poor Chewbacca replacing the power coupling, now where is Princess Le… oh dear, is that her and the captain ahead of me?
Boosting audio receptors.

***You’re trembling***

I have remarked on several occasions that the internal temperature on this ship has dropped by several degrees, but nobody listens to me.

***I happen to like nice men***

Ah, good. She’s telling him that there is no possibility of an emotional attachment between them, in fact I calculate the possibility of the two of them becoming involved at 23, 542 to 1.

***No you’re not, you’re….***

What’s that soft, squelching noise?

I can just about see if I stand at a 34 degree angle to the reflective plating on the lateral manifold. What are they doing?
Oh, this isn’t good. Oh, curse my rusted innards! Come on, think!
A diversion, yes, I may be able to save her with a diversion.

“Sir, sir! I’ve located the reverse power flux coupling!”

Actually, I located it a while ago, but that seems to have done the trick. Princess Leia now has a window of opportunity to make her escape.
Strange, that look she gave me didn’t seem very grateful.

I just don’t understand humans….