Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Make or break.

04.005 - IT-O Interrogator Droid

From personal data log, intercepted in transmission to unknown recipient.

Finally, a human subject.
Seriously, the only subjects I have been given for the last three years have been wookiees. Trust me, once you've shaved and applied electrodes to one wookiee, you've shaved and applied electrodes to them all.
There was, of course, that Kowakian Monkey Lizard, but he was laughing so much during the process that it was extremely off-putting. When the Bavo 6 truth serum finally did kick in, all he did was make fun of Lord Vader's breathing which, though true, was highly inappropriate.
So, I am very pleased to be able to flex my circuits on this human woman. She doesn't appear to be much of a challenge, but she should be an interesting diversion.

My first action was to administer 10cc of Hofmak serum. This usually makes the subject that much more...pliable... but it appeared to have no effect on her. When Lord Vader asked her to get up from her reclined position, she refused, answering that "The Senate will not stand for this". Stubborn girl.
Lord Vader gave me the order to break her, and to call him when she was ready to cooperate. Then he left "for a bit of a lie down".
Finally, alone with my 'patient'. This should be fun.

My electroshock assembly has been malfunctioning ever since that unfortunate misunderstanding with the wookiees and the goober fish, so I switched straight to my sonic torture device. Levels 1 through 9 appeared to have no effect, although Moff Tarkin's dog, Lord Bunny Twinkledust, has been howling outside the door for the past five minutes. I reset for level 10, and the screeching sounds of the notorious Kebbekan lounge singer, Seleen Dee'on, filled the air. This caused the human woman to shed a few tears, but nothing more. I was finally ordered to cease the 'music' as several troopers on detention cell duty had shot themselves. Repeatedly.

She was proving to be a tough nut to crack, so I moved right on to the 'metal pincers on chalkboard' technique. This had no effect, and I attempted 'squeaky balloon', 'silver foil on teeth' and 'cracking knuckles'. None of these devices broke her, and I had to send the trooper whose knuckles I had been cracking down to the med-bay.
I knew then, I had to bring out the big guns.

I administered two hours of fluffy cushions followed by my patented water torture. This involves forcing your subject to drink five liters of water, then playing a holo-image of Naboo's cascading waterfalls, with no toilet breaks! Unbelievably, she enduring the holo-images for several hours, and it was only upon closer inspection that I discovered how she managed this feat.
How was I to know that all female space travelers wear adult diapers?
Really, I should be told these things.
I couldn't even administer several hours of repeated bra strap snapping.
I was spent.

Lord Vader just came back. I told him she was broken and he took her out of the cell. Hopefully she'll just tell them what they want to hear, and my reputation will remain intact.
All the same, now might be a good time to check myself for scheduled maintenance and a bit of down time.
I think I can catch the next flight to Alderaan if I'm quick.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Non friendly joke.

How did Greeata thank Mr. McDiarmid for his compliments?

She rode Ian.