Thursday, August 24, 2006

A shellfish attitude

03.006 – Crab Droid

04.003.1 – That’s it. Who’s in charge here?
I clearly remember being given three options when I was activated; an Utapau sinkhole, squishy Felucia or the divine waters of Kashyyyk.
Of course, I signed up for Kashyyyk.
Oh the unbridled joy of scuttling through the murky depths of the Wookiee planet. Snipping off fire weed here, shooting a goober fish there, then rising majestically from the surf, the crystal droplets running from my armorplast plating in silver rivulets, my mud cannons blasting hairy hides and white armor, slowing them down for an easy killshot.
But oh no.
Somebody decided that amphibious, multilegged crustacadroids would be better suited to the bony desolation of Utapau.
Wonderful, just wonderful.

04.023.2 – We were given some down time this morning, so I checked out the pool at the bottom of this sinkhole. I guess I should have listened to the warnings.
All was well and good for a couple of minutes, but then I found my forward limbs were slowing down. Also, my sensor stalks were obstructed by small particles which stuck like glue to my delicate array.
Upon emerging from the water on the other side of the pool, I discovered a large, rusty pipe, and by following its vertical course, I could see that it led directly to the stabes where the Utapauans keep their mounts.
Great. My servos are clogged by nuggets of lizard waste.
Upon returning to my post I was berated by my superior, and later informed by OOM-42 (who considers himself somewhat of a humorist), that you can’t swim in Utapauan pools, you merely go through the motions.
It took great restraint not to blast him there and then.

04.057.2 – Action stations! It appears a skirmish has taken place on level 10, and from what I can make out, the General has been defeated. There are clones all over the place, even the cowardly Utapauans are fighting! Still, they are no match for me. A quick blast from my water cannon renders them giddy, then I immobilize them in a bubble wort and leave them to the blasters of the battledroids. Easy pickings!
What’s this? An unarmored human is coming this way, riding up the side of the hole face on the back of one of the lizards. Interesting weapon he’s holding.
Still, he doesn’t see me. Just a few more seconds and I can squeeze off a pointblank shot, take out his mount and send him plummeting to the pool below.
Five more seconds, four, three, two, o…what the?
Those clone fools have fired on their own man! Unbelievable!
At this rate we should have the battle all sewn up in a matter of hours.
There he goes, spiraling down with his lizard to the waters below.
That’s not going to be pleasant.
Ah well, back to the fray.
Hopefully, when this is all over, I can get some leave on Kashyyyk.
Ahh, the crystal waters….

Thursday, August 17, 2006

From the depths of a Buzz Droid.

03.005 - Buzz Droid

The following is an excerpt from a Tatooine holonet show called 'Fix my Hovel' - presented by the popular Twi'lek presenter, Naftrat Geedletob, and his faithful Jawa assistant, Beeni.

Naftrat (N): And, welcome back folks! Just before the break, we showed you how you can turn an ugly bloodstain on the wall into a decorative feature by using just a few scraps of fusilage and some imagination, now I believe Beeni has something new to demonstrate.
Beeni (B): Uutini!
A small droid scurries into frame and settles on the work bench. It appears to be a buzz droid and it has seen better days.
N: Well, what have we here?
B: Skwibb weee pfihhft.
N: I know what it is. Where did you get it?
B: Vribbitt
N: OK, I won't ask...
Turns to holocam.
N: If you haven't seen one of these beauties before, this little fellow is called a buzz droid, and they were once a staple part of any respectable seperatist army. Now many of them are unemployed, forced into menial and degrading careers such as bantha nail clippers and Hutt crevice swabbers, and this is the perfect opportunity for you to pick up one of these great little multi-taskers. Beeni, lead the little scamp over to the bookshelf would you?
The jawa picks the droid up and carries over to a pile of wood that roughly resembles a bookcase.
B: Skee tweeni!
The buzz droid suddenly unfurls its many appendages and begins to work on the misshapen wooden lump with great enthusiasm.
N: As you can see, these little guys are loaded with everything you could possibly need; a pincer arm to hold your project in place, a plasma torch - great for welding and cool to the touch, an interchangable drill head, a circular saw, a prying hook and a picket appendage - great for getting that stubborn piece of dewback nugget out of your back teeth.
The buzz droid has succeeded in turning the half-made bookcase into a neat pile of wood chips.
N: Hey, that's not going to hold any books! Beeni, sort it out.
B: Uutini!
As the jawa approaches the buzz droid, it flips and scuttles around the studio, latching onto anything it can find. Its first victim is an astromech droid powering the lights. As its dome is removed, the lights go out and the studio is lit only by the shaft of sunlight coming from the central smoke hole.
N: R2 D8!
B: Derivviztt!
N: R2 was the only one who could get my swoop going on cold mornings.
He inspects the damage.
N: On the other hand, by levelling off the top, R2 has now become a rather fetching coffee table.
B: Fequee!!
N: I don't care! Get that buzz droid before it causes anymore damage!
The two hosts stumble around in the half-light, and sounds of dismemberment and destruction echo all around them. Showers of sparks dance in the gloom.
N: Turn it off! Turn it off! It's going for the camera!
B: Neksquuii!
N: What did you say?
Suddenly the view is obscured by a dark, metallic mass, and the high -pitched whine of a circular saw fills the airwaves.
B: Neksquuii!
N: What do you mean, center eye?
Static, black screen.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

New chip decryptions!

Howdy y'all.

FX-9 has deposited a new data chip decryption over here on Star - and is confident that it won't be blocked by the moderators due to its melodic conent :-)