Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Love and Rocks

04.004 – C-3PO – Protocol Droid

3A/9.2 – Dear DataStream,

I really do not understand humans.
A short time before that unfortunate business on Hoth, Princess Leia added a secondary function to my databanks, and I am truly experiencing some difficulty in carrying it out.
Actually, it was all rather embarrassing. She asked me to sit down with her, and then she confided in me for an extended amount of time, describing her emotional conflicts with regard to Master Luke and that insufferable Captain Solo. She also appears to carry the burden of protecting the Rebellion on her own shoulders, and I assume that my discretion circuit means that she feels comfortable imparting this personal information to me.

The nature of the secondary function is rather vague though, and I am having a hard time processing it.
Princess Leia claims that her emotional feelings for Master Luke or Captain Solo could cloud her judgment with regard to the fight against the Empire, so she has instructed me to surreptitiously observe her, and to do everything in my power to obstruct any potentially ‘romantic entanglements’.
I shall do my best.

3A/11.6 – Dear DataStream,

Oh calamity!
In an effort to outrun Imperial Star Destroyers, Captain Solo has gone and done something rather rash. We are now residing inside an asteroid!
Has Captain Solo finally gone mad?
Just now he commanded me to speak to the Millennium Falcon’s computer, to try to ascertain the problem with the hyperdrive systems. This barbaric computer wouldn’t know a flux capacitor from a repulsor bed, but I am trying my best.

Now Chewbacca is pushing me away from the cockpit, oh my! Princess Leia is alone with Captain Solo in there! If I boost my audio receptors, maybe I can…

***Let go, please***

Oh dear.

***Don’t get excited***

Oh, what’s happening in there?

***Captain, being held by you isn’t quite enough to get me excited***

That’s right, you tell him.

***Sorry, sweetheart. We haven’t got time for anything else***

Sweetheart? Accessing basic thesaurus… sweetheart, darling, dream girl, lover… oh my!

Ah, here is Captain Solo now. That was a close one.
What’s that? Yes, Captain, I am trying to speak to this system of yours!

3A/14.8 – Dear DataStream,

Well, I have located the source of the problem with the Millennium Falcon, I believe the power coupling on the negative axis has been polarized, it will need replacing. I must tell Captain Solo.

Typical! Captain Solo once again takes the credit for my deduction and has poor Chewbacca replacing the power coupling, now where is Princess Le… oh dear, is that her and the captain ahead of me?
Boosting audio receptors.

***You’re trembling***

I have remarked on several occasions that the internal temperature on this ship has dropped by several degrees, but nobody listens to me.

***I happen to like nice men***

Ah, good. She’s telling him that there is no possibility of an emotional attachment between them, in fact I calculate the possibility of the two of them becoming involved at 23, 542 to 1.

***No you’re not, you’re….***

What’s that soft, squelching noise?

I can just about see if I stand at a 34 degree angle to the reflective plating on the lateral manifold. What are they doing?
Oh, this isn’t good. Oh, curse my rusted innards! Come on, think!
A diversion, yes, I may be able to save her with a diversion.

“Sir, sir! I’ve located the reverse power flux coupling!”

Actually, I located it a while ago, but that seems to have done the trick. Princess Leia now has a window of opportunity to make her escape.
Strange, that look she gave me didn’t seem very grateful.

I just don’t understand humans….

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