Thursday, August 17, 2006

From the depths of a Buzz Droid.

03.005 - Buzz Droid

The following is an excerpt from a Tatooine holonet show called 'Fix my Hovel' - presented by the popular Twi'lek presenter, Naftrat Geedletob, and his faithful Jawa assistant, Beeni.

Naftrat (N): And, welcome back folks! Just before the break, we showed you how you can turn an ugly bloodstain on the wall into a decorative feature by using just a few scraps of fusilage and some imagination, now I believe Beeni has something new to demonstrate.
Beeni (B): Uutini!
A small droid scurries into frame and settles on the work bench. It appears to be a buzz droid and it has seen better days.
N: Well, what have we here?
B: Skwibb weee pfihhft.
N: I know what it is. Where did you get it?
B: Vribbitt
N: OK, I won't ask...
Turns to holocam.
N: If you haven't seen one of these beauties before, this little fellow is called a buzz droid, and they were once a staple part of any respectable seperatist army. Now many of them are unemployed, forced into menial and degrading careers such as bantha nail clippers and Hutt crevice swabbers, and this is the perfect opportunity for you to pick up one of these great little multi-taskers. Beeni, lead the little scamp over to the bookshelf would you?
The jawa picks the droid up and carries over to a pile of wood that roughly resembles a bookcase.
B: Skee tweeni!
The buzz droid suddenly unfurls its many appendages and begins to work on the misshapen wooden lump with great enthusiasm.
N: As you can see, these little guys are loaded with everything you could possibly need; a pincer arm to hold your project in place, a plasma torch - great for welding and cool to the touch, an interchangable drill head, a circular saw, a prying hook and a picket appendage - great for getting that stubborn piece of dewback nugget out of your back teeth.
The buzz droid has succeeded in turning the half-made bookcase into a neat pile of wood chips.
N: Hey, that's not going to hold any books! Beeni, sort it out.
B: Uutini!
As the jawa approaches the buzz droid, it flips and scuttles around the studio, latching onto anything it can find. Its first victim is an astromech droid powering the lights. As its dome is removed, the lights go out and the studio is lit only by the shaft of sunlight coming from the central smoke hole.
N: R2 D8!
B: Derivviztt!
N: R2 was the only one who could get my swoop going on cold mornings.
He inspects the damage.
N: On the other hand, by levelling off the top, R2 has now become a rather fetching coffee table.
B: Fequee!!
N: I don't care! Get that buzz droid before it causes anymore damage!
The two hosts stumble around in the half-light, and sounds of dismemberment and destruction echo all around them. Showers of sparks dance in the gloom.
N: Turn it off! Turn it off! It's going for the camera!
B: Neksquuii!
N: What did you say?
Suddenly the view is obscured by a dark, metallic mass, and the high -pitched whine of a circular saw fills the airwaves.
B: Neksquuii!
N: What do you mean, center eye?
Static, black screen.

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